The 3 Things Your Relationship Needs When Things Get Rocky

Humans can be hardwired to notice the negative or challenging things in their lives—and that's really useful when there's something that can and needs to be changed, shifted, or healed.

Yet at times, we might become overly focused on the drawbacks or downsides of a relationship, whether it's with a friend, romantic partner, co-worker, neighbor, or family member. So much attention on what's negative or not pleasing can be draining for you and others—and damaging for the relationship as a whole.

Certain relationships at certain times may need a major renovation or even need to be released entirely. Other times there's simply the need to rebalance the energy of a relationship by mindfully noticing, complimenting, and celebrating what's good and nourishing about the relationship.

If you've been annoyed or disappointed with the other person, noticing what's good and nourishing will involve switching gears in your mind.

You may have fallen into a well-worn neural pathway of noticing the habits or personality traits of someone that can cause frustration or even sadness in you. There are probably things you like or even love about this person that have gotten obscured by constant observations about what grates on you about them.

Like a chef who knows a stew has become overwhelmed by a little too much pepper, by noticing what is endearing about this person or valuable about the relationship, you add other complementary notes of flavor for balance.

Probably the most profound gift we can give others is to see them, and accept them, for who they are.

You might find a natural opening to compliment a co-worker after a unique contribution in a meeting, a romantic partner for a helpful chore they regularly do that goes largely unnoticed, or a friend about one of their quirky traits that always makes you smile. 

Complimenting others is an easy way to make an emotional deposit in a relationship. Because we can get lost in the busyness of our days or thoughts, complimenting someone else is also a nice way to pause and practice being more present in the moment.

This can be a means of showing gratitude for the relationship as a whole, despite any difficult aspects.

It might be taking a professional colleague out to lunch and mentioning your gratitude for the alliance as you pick up the check. Or, it could be sending your sibling a card on their birthday with a handwritten note inside expressing gratitude for them. You might mark a relationship milestone with a good friend by sharing your gratitude in an email or text that the friendship is now three years, 10 years, or 20 years strong.

In my book Empath Heart: Relationship Strategies for Sensitive People, I share many ways you can mindfully increase the energetic intimacy and connection between yourself and others.

When you attempt this, the other person will usually respond in kind, as humans' default reaction can be to mirror other people's energy. 

Try this energy technique with someone you suspect you could rebalance your relationship with. These steps might work right away or take a few weeks or even months. This exercise can also bring clarity about what cannot be rebalanced so smoothly.

It might be that you need to pull back from the relationship to create more healthy space or reevaluate the relationship's value entirely.