8 Signs You Have A Fear Of Intimacy + Advice From Therapists

If you crave intimacy but have a pattern of sabotaging connections when it starts to matter, it may be because of a fear of intimacy. We asked therapists to explain what causes a fear of intimacy, how to recognize if this is what's happening to you, and what to do about it.

"All of this is not a conscious decision to hide these parts of yourself. It's survival," licensed marriage and family therapist Alison Gomez, LMFT, tells mbg. "A misconception is that it should feel easy to be intimate with people you care about, but that's not necessarily true. Intimacy is not always safe with everyone, even if it is someone you love."

Intimacy can be nurtured through sexual, emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual experiences. There are also different types of intimacy that we can holistically share with someone else, including: 

But "if someone's never comfortably experienced this in their initial relationships or relationships later in life, this type of closeness is so unfamiliar it may feel threatening." Instead of wanting to relate and move closer, there's a feeling of shame. A person who is afraid of intimacy feels unable to give and receive freely; it just feels too risky or futile to put themselves out there for potential hurt. 

"You may withhold information about [your] feelings, thoughts, and opinions," Gomez says. You're fine sharing anything low-stakes: your day-to-day life, friends, hobbies, work. Anything higher-stakes, like your private thoughts, is shared only if it's asked or absolutely necessary. It's not like you don't want to talk about the important things, but your instinct is to hold back and take care of yourself on your own. 

"Instead of sharing things that are making you unhappy or asking for more, you may stay quiet or engage in passive-aggressive behaviors," Gomez says. It's hard to advocate for what you want. Besides, you feel OK keeping certain things to yourself because you want to keep expectations low and manageable. As a result, you could be with someone for years yet still feel like you're strangers in some capacity because intimacy remains superficial. 

Have a history of short, unstable relationships? There might be a reason for that. "Someone with a fear of intimacy [has] a hard time sharing certain parts of themselves. They may even choose to only engage in casual, fling-like encounters in order to avoid the vulnerability that comes with a deeper connection," Lurie says. Even when you are able to invest in a long-term relationship, you may still keep them at arm's length. For example, you avoid making future commitments like labeling the relationship, moving in together, or getting married.

You went away for a weekend trip with your new S.O. and had an amazing time. But back in the comfort of your own home, you feel a vulnerability hangover. The discomfort could become so overwhelming that you begin pushing off their requests to hang out again, opting to isolate to feel better. "A common vulnerability is sharing how much you care about the person or how you are enjoying or valuing their time with them," Gomez says. For someone with a fear of intimacy, though, feelings of excitement, joy, and hope are synonymous with being hurt. To love is to feel loss. 

You want a relationship, and you might actively put yourself out there to make it happen, but when your partner shares more, you may feel awkward, frustrated, or annoyed by their intense emotions. "Being asked to give yourself this way seems like too much and this type of closeness off-putting," Lurie says. "This is [often] the case for those unfamiliar with true intimacy and interdependence." The impulse is to reject, which blocks trust in the relationship, subconsciously confirming your fears that it's unsafe to share. 

Lurie notes that even when you are able to get into a relationship, you may find yourself fantasizing about your ideal partner—daydreams of the perfect connection where you'll be able to have your needs met without feeling overwhelmed, uncomfortable, or afraid. When things get rocky in your current relationship, you may drift off to these other possibilities instead of working on what you have. 

There's a tendency to hyper-focus on imagined demands and perceived criticisms in the relationship. People with a fear of intimacy can often have low self-esteem and believe they have to be perfect to earn love. Because of that, you might default to cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking (For example, "I can only date when I have a six-figure job or when I lose 10 pounds!") and project those feelings of inadequacy on your partner. 

It can go two directions: Gomez says you might prefer having sex and having one-night stands because physical intimacy feels safer than sharing vulnerable emotions. Or you might be fearful of sexual intimacy and avoid it altogether because you're scared physical contact would escalate the relationship. Either way, it's hard for you to be embodied during sex because of those insecurities. 

"Disconnection from others, while lonely and distressing, can also be comfortably uncomfortable," Gomez continues. "You know what to expect. Being intimate when feeling unsafe is terrifying."

Gomez does note that it's always OK for people to want to take their time in a new relationship and not want to rush into intimacy too quickly. Some people also simply prefer more casual relationships, and there's nothing wrong with that. The key is understanding the difference: A casual dater chooses not to get too invested because they want to explore their options or are just not looking to settle down, whether for now or at all. On the other hand, a person with a fear of intimacy actively wants commitment. But as soon as they come close to receiving it, their fear activates, and they push away the connection that they do ultimately want. 

"A fear of intimacy is most common with those who have an avoidant or fearful-avoidant style," Lurie notes.

In self-examination, Lurie recommends looking at the overall patterns. "Attachment theory creates the illusion that we all fit neatly into these boxes [when] in reality, many of us display some different attachment traits in personal relationships or at different times of our lives," she says.

"Once there is a clearer understanding of one's attachment style and how they engage in their relationships, they can be more thoughtful about how they want to engage in the future and slowly challenge themselves to seek out safe relationships to be vulnerable," says Lurie.

"The most important thing is safety. If you're going to talk to your partner about how you want to be intimate, you need to make sure to leave your judgments, assumptions, accusations, and problem-solving at the door," Gomez advises. "It's about being open and honest with your feelings, having compassion for yourself and your partner, and listening." 

As you listen, hold them with generosity and try to avoid personalizing what they're telling you. "It takes time to build that trust. It doesn't necessarily say anything about you if they have trouble being intimate," she adds. "This is not the time or place to convince them why it's safe to be open because that will lead to 'yeah but...' or them shutting down if they're not ready. If you're even able to get to this part in the conversation, that is already a new level of intimacy." 

If you're feeling blocked in your introspection, Lurie suggests finding a therapist who can help you compassionately connect the dots and create new healthy patterns. 

"As a reminder, it takes time for people to be intimate with others because it does require a level of trust. It's not healthy or safe to share every vulnerable thing when there is no evidence of safety," Gomez notes. "When dating, it's OK to not be vulnerable 100% all the time but to increase intimacy as time goes on if the person is safe."