How To Make Sense Of Your Commitment Phobia, From A Relationship Psychologist

Making a romantic commitment is, for the seriously inclined, a major life step. Those who take commitment seriously often have a natural and appropriate fear of commitment because they take their responsibilities seriously.

Whether a person is interested in forming a long-term relationship, getting married, or having kids together, the word commitment is big because it symbolizes big—truly enormous—responsibility. For those who are genuinely interested in pursuing a heartfelt relationship, commitment brings up images of sharing all of life, the good and the not-so-good, "until death do us part." This is no small issue, particularly if finances, living circumstances, and others' lives (e.g., children, friends, family, and pets) are involved. Deep love, vulnerability, and personal responsibility are part and parcel of being truly committed.

By definition, a phobia is a persistent exaggerated or illogical fear. A phobia, which is a form of anxiousness, may affect an individual in significant ways. In fact, certain phobias can affect an individual's daily life—be it relationships, work, or social situations. When a phobia is significant, it can have negative, life-altering consequences.

Sometimes a "commitment phobia" is actually one or more valid concerns about the health or suitability of a relationship. Now ask yourself a simple, direct question: Am I truly afraid of commitment, or is another underlying issue is at work? 

Commitment—and all that it encompasses—is a very personal issue. As you explore your notations with self-compassion, be curious about your responses. Ask yourself questions. If you are truly afraid of commitment, ask yourself why. Do you have an insecure attachment style? Did a former lover betray you? Are you naturally slow to trust and commit?

No matter the results of your journaling and processing—whether you decide you're suffering from true commitment phobia, or you have other vital issues to explore—the next step is to talk with your partner. Set aside quiet time when both you and your partner can focus on the important topic of commitment. No matter what the issues may be, it's important to share them with your partner in a loving, respectful way.

For example, if you are suffering from a trauma that makes you fearful of commitment, let your partner know that you need healing work around this issue. As another example, if your fear of commitment stems from the understandable concern that your life will change in important ways once you commit, it's vital to share your fears with your partner.

When we decide to commit to a romantic partner, it's important for us to remember that it's not just our own lives that will change. A commitment affects a partner's life as well as all the people in the couple's intersecting worlds. Being committed to another person is one of the most significant joys and responsibilities of life, so it's truly wise to mindfully slow down to sort through any and all fears that arise.