How To Help Your Kid Cope With Anxiety—Without Fueling Your Own

Anxiety rates have been on the rise for young people for quite some time. About 11.6% of kids had anxiety in 2012, up 20% from 2007. But during the pandemic, those numbers nearly doubled, reaching 20.5% of youth worldwide struggling with anxiety symptoms. 

In addition to an increase in anxiety in our youth, parents are worried about their children’s worries. How could we not be–we want our children to thrive, but sometimes, unintentionally end up fueling their anxiety by approaching it in an unhelpful way.

As a psychotherapist, I find that adults are confused about how to address their kids' anxiety; because we worry that it’s an indicator that there’s something wrong, we go into fix-it mode, which not only handicaps our children from coping with the sensations of anxiety but also prevents them from getting to know the message that it has to share. 

Anxiety is a series of signals coming from our minds and bodies, telling us to tune in and pay attention. It was meant to be protective, as humans we’ve evolved to worry. For example, when our ancestors saw a lion, his heart would race, and his limbs would fill with blood, letting him know that it was time to run from danger and seek safety. 

Where anxiety sometimes misleads us, is that the brain only makes predictions based on things it has learned from the past, so we use past experience to try to guess future outcomes. 

For example, if your child is worried that someone at school doesn’t like her, she might use a past dispute with a friend to predict that this present relationship is doomed. The intention of this worry is good, as anxiety tricks us into believing that if we predict the worst-case scenario, it will soften the blow if and when it happens. But it can also lead us to believe that the worst-case scenario will happen, which may not be true (it has no future predicting powers, darn!). 

In many cases, the issue is not the anxiety but rather the meaning we make of the signs: that something is wrong, that a situation will always remain hard, or that we are not safe. 

Sometimes ,anxiety is actually just a cover-up of a harder truth/emotion. For example, when we are excessively worrying about what will happen next or why a crush didn’t text us back, we can avoid the sadness/grief/fear associated with being rejected, being alone, or feeling not good enough.

Help your child begin to notice how anxiety persists by paying attention to the sensations they are experiencing, how big those sensations are, how long they last, and what types of situations they occur in.

As caregivers, we have a propensity to help our kids fix problems that we have yet to address in ourselves. Validating anxiety doesn’t mean believing it’s true, it means acknowledging that it’s there. Our emotions want us to recognize them, but we don’t have to believe them. 

Sit with how you might be showing up in anxious ways without attaching it to your kids. We live in a world that is fueling our anxieties right now, so this isn’t an opportunity to blame yourself, but rather to get curious about how your nervous system is impacting those in your household.

Fear doesn’t get in the way of our kids living full lives, it’s not facing those fears that does. Anxiety is not necessarily an indicator of a problem, but rather a sign to pay closer attention. 

Think about how you can get curious about your kid’s anxiety, rather than trying to fix it or invalidate it with a “you’re ok” response. When we are constantly trying to reassure our children, we are robbing them of the ability to find okayness within themselves. 

For example, if your child is showing signs of anxiety ask: How is that anxiety showing up in their body? Does it remind them of a past negative experience? Do they have a sense of what they’re worried will happen if the problem isn’t addressed?

One of the biggest misconceptions about anxiety is that it needs to be solved. Sometimes, a solution or change is required, but other times, the situation just needs to be witnessed, explored, and accepted.