What Ethical Non-Monogamy Really Means & How To Practice It

There are two forms of non-monogamy: there's the nonconsensual kind, which is also known as cheating, and then there's the consensual kind, which is known as consensual or ethical non-monogamy.

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is an approach to relationships wherein people can have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time, and everybody involved is aware and enthusiastically consents to the dynamic. Polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships.

"When explaining ethical or consensual non-monogamy to my clients, my go-to is the three C's: communication, consideration, and of course, consent," psychotherapist Cheyenne Taylor, LMSW, explains to mbg. "Ethical non-monogamy is based on the concept of using socially acceptable guidelines and ethically motivated tools to cultivate a relationship built on the foundation of non-monogamy. At its core, though, ENM means not cheating or acting without the consent of your partner."

There are no set "rules" when it comes to ethical non-monogamy, according to licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT. Rather, the people involved in a relationship will make agreements about what the relationship dynamic will look like. "Agreements imply that both (or all) people are agreeing to something, making it an ethical and collaborative decision," she notes.

Partners can decide if they want their relationship to be committed, casual, long term, short term, romantic, sexual, or any combination of these things. They mutually agree on what types of connections they'll pursue and not pursue, both with each other and with other people, and they can set any parameters or expectations they'd like to make all parties feel comfortable.

Honesty and transparency are the bedrock of ethical non-monogamy, says Taylor.

"Being clear about your boundaries, limits, and expectations is crucial when working to facilitate a healthy and sustainable relationship," she explains. "I typically recommend using frequent and sometimes scheduled check-ins as a way to put aside time to discuss feelings about the relationship, any hang-ups or issues that need adjusting, and how each person is feeling on an authentic and honest level."

Being non-monogamous does not mean you get to care less about anyone's feelings and well-being. On the contrary, ethical non-monogamy necessitates a lot of care and empathy. Taylor notes that many of the same basic ethical considerations from monogamy still apply to non-monogamy: no lying to each other, no pressuring each other into things one person doesn't really want, and no going behind each other's backs.

Some non-monogamous people still choose to have one "primary" partner. This type of ethical non-monogamy is known as a hierarchal relationship.

Some people who practice ethical non-monogamy don't have or want a primary partner. Instead, all their partners may be considered equally important or important in different ways. "In non-hierarchical dynamics, relationships are not necessarily categorized based on level of importance or priority," Taylor explains.

"I think it's important to note that relationships are relationships are relationships," Wright says. "What I mean by that is, human connection is human connection, and whether you're in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, they all have the potential for experiencing challenges, conflict, joy, pain, and every other emotion under the sun."

"There is a common misconception that people who agree to enter ENM relationships don't experience jealousy. This is simply not true," Taylor says. "Jealousy happens. This is why communication and honesty are key."

Over time, people in ethically non-monogamous relationships may experience jealousy less often or less intensely, or they may simply have better ways of coping with it when it crops up.

Some people view non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice, whereas others experience it as an orientation or intrinsic part of their identity, says Wright.

Polyamory is one form of ethical non-monogamy, with the latter acting as an umbrella term that encompasses many types of relationships. Swinging, casual sex, open relationships, and polyamory are all forms of ethical non-monogamy, and there are many others.

Cheating is when you break the agreements of your relationship, in particular those related to sexual and romantic fidelity.

Ethical non-monogamy is not cheating, because in an ENM relationship, all partners have agreed to a relationship wherein everyone is free to be intimate with other people. Intimacy with others is part of the agreement, and therefore it is not cheating because everyone is in the know and consents to what's happening.

Cheating, on the other hand, is non-consensual and unethical non-monogamy, because it involves going behind your partner's back and engaging in intimate relations with other people without your partner's consent.

Importantly, cheating can also happen in ENM relationships: For example, two partners might agree that they're allowed to have sex with other people, but they won't develop romantic or emotional relationships with others. If one partner secretly has a second serious girlfriend, that would be cheating—because it's breaking the agreement they made to not engage romantically with others.

Ethical non-monogamy is a broad term that encompasses any form of relationship (romantic or sexual) that doesn't take the form of an exclusive, monogamous relationship between two people. It can be liberating, fun, a lifestyle choice, or simply just the way you are. It can also be confusing, complicated, stressful, and hard. (Just like any other kind of relationship!)