8 Signs Of Emotional Manipulation + What To Do About It

Remember that time your friend was dating that person you absolutely hated? You could see from a mile away that this partner was manipulative and conniving, but there was no convincing your bestie. Rather than heed your advice, your pal quickly reminded you of the skeletons in your closet by pointing out all the times you were totally enamored with absolute jerks.

In the context of relationships, manipulation refers to actions taken by a person to try to control others, usually in a deceptive or harmful way. Psychological manipulation involves pressure to change behaviors or beliefs by applying deceptive or distorted tactics. Emotional manipulation uses those same tactics to trigger intense emotional reactions deliberately meant to drain another person’s energy or to destabilize their emotional well-being.

Psychologists say the root cause of manipulative behavior can often be toxic cycles of violence, narcissism, or unhealthy relationships in the manipulator’s own childhood.

Manipulation has many facets, but Balestrieri says one of the most important is gaslighting, which is a conversational tactic designed to “separate you from your gut instinct or logical appraisals of the world.”

McCoy says that if you’re feeling yourself questioning your integrity or “sanity,” that’s a sign that something’s wrong and manipulation may be occurring. 

Manipulation in romantic relationships often involves facilitating an intense, passionate connection that lays the groundwork for trying to maintain control.

“If someone is being manipulated, they may begin to feel uncertainty, fear, or confusion,” McCoy says.

Many victims may dismiss manipulation signs as the normal give and take in a relationship, but McCoy says you can tell the difference between healthy compromise and unhealthy manipulation by whether there’s fear involved. “With compromise, there won't be the thought ‘If I don't do what that person says they are going to leave me or hurt me,’” she says.

Balestrieri cautions that it’s not just the bad traits we need to keep an eye out for. “Watch for ingratiating behaviors or other attempts to be seen in a favorable light, as this is often a deliberate attempt to drive more isolation between the victim and their support system by creating the illusion of doubt.” She offers an example: “The first person to write ‘Happy birthday!’ on your grandmother’s social media page can’t be a manipulative or abusive person, right? Wrong! Impression management is a daily endeavor for the manipulator, who works hard to make others like them as a shield.” 

While manipulation tactics are similar in every setting, there is no one-size-fits all approach to what it might look like in a romantic relationship. Sometimes it comes on quickly as control and intimidation, but other times partners notice an asymmetrical combo of lies, guilt trips, omissions, denials, rationalizations, or passive aggression strung together over time. There’s certainly a broad spectrum of experiences.

Selective manipulation can center on one recurring issue, and it can be annoying but innocuous. For example: one partner conveniently dodges the housework, or they always work late on the nights your parents come over. These issues can be addressed by communication and boundary setting, but what you really want to look out for is the toxic manipulation that can lead to abuse. If a romantic partner demands secrecy, has unpredictable mood swings, and downplays others’ distress, these manipulative behaviors may lead to abuse. 

Define the limits of what are acceptable behaviors toward you and declare the kinds of treatment you will not tolerate.“Creating a firm boundary plan is essential in any relationship, but especially one in which the other person pushes your boundaries regularly,” says Balestrieri. “Be sure to only set boundaries you are willing to sustain. Otherwise you are simply teaching an abusive person that all they need to do is push harder to get their way.”

If your partner is willing to respect your boundaries and meet you from a place of mutual respect and compromise, the relationship can potentially move forward, so long as you both avoid repeating toxic behaviors that will trigger old patterns. But McCoy warns: “If there is an unwillingness on your partner's behalf, then you may begin to start reimagining your life outside of the relationship.”

You should leave any situation that causes you danger or harm.

“Sometimes an effective boundary plan and adjusted expectations for the relationship can help make the decision to stay in it manageable and pleasurable,” says Balestrieri. “However, if the other person continuously bulldozes your boundaries, deflects, lies, obfuscates and is otherwise incongruent in their walk and talk, going no-contact may be a useful strategy. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you make the decision that is right for you.”

Is manipulation a common theme in your relationships? If so, McCoy recommends doing some reflection to figure out what’s going on.

“Explore past relationships and even revisit childhood and adolescent relationships,” McCoy suggests. “Were there behaviors, including manipulation, that might have seemed normal or prosocial growing up but looking back you now realize that behavior was anything but normal?”

She says those same manipulative behaviors and patterns from your past can follow you into your adult relationships.

Seeking help can come in the form of a licensed and trained clinical social worker, therapist, psychologist, psychotherapist, and/or psychiatrist. Don’t allow shame or fear to keep you away from the skilled professional who can guide you to resolution.

“When someone you care about mistreats you, it doesn’t make sense and can feel extremely confusing,” Balestrieri says. “Many people are socialized to be kind in the face of conflict, and as such they avoid conflict or indirectly try to get their needs met.”