4 Ways To Gauge Someone's Emotional Intelligence On A First Date

It's no wonder people have long checklists of what they're looking for in regard to appearance, job, style, taste, interests; the list goes on. But here's the bottom line: All these checks are perks. The most important factor for a successful long-term relationship is emotional intelligence.

Rather than shared interests or attractiveness levels, research consistently points to the above relationship qualities as predictors of relationship satisfaction. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading experts in marriage research, has studied couples over the last four decades, seeking to understand what makes a marriage successful. His lab identified1 that the three major factors contributing to relationship satisfaction are:

So, now the question becomes, how do you assess for emotional intelligence on a first date? There are actually a few pretty solid clues you can catch early on: 

On the other end of the spectrum, if your date constantly complains about the service or the environment but avoids any conversation with staff, they may have difficulty with being assertive and asking for what they need—an important skill in long-term relationships. 

Furthermore, if you sense there's still significant hostility around the breakup, they likely still have more to process. Additionally, while relationship to family members may not get discussed on a first date, the same principles apply and will likely come up as the relationship progresses. 

Notice your level of comfort around your date's self-disclosure and use of touch. Do they share too much soon? Do they stand too close to you or touch your leg too early in the date? Tune in to your own reactions to their stories or behaviors. If you are typically an empathic person and notice that your response to a deeply traumatic story is feeling overwhelmed, it's likely you are feeling an inappropriate boundary crossing. Listen to your intuition. 

Just as important as it is to find out more about your date, it's also important that they learn more about you. Emotional intelligence includes being curious about others and being able to listen and ask questions. It also involves the ability to internalize and understand another person's experience. Responding to your experience with relatedness, such as "Wow, that must have been tough" or "I would have felt the same way" speaks to the insight and attunement your date has to your stories. In contrast, a date that has difficulty listening or responding to you might dismiss your emotional experience or leave your statements unacknowledged by relating everything back to themselves. 

Here's the catch: It's perfectly normal to be nervous early in a relationship, and your date's behaviors on the first date may not be an accurate representation of their emotional intelligence. It is common for people to talk too much or even appear uninterested in asking questions when they are anxious. So while it's helpful to keep in mind the above red flags and cues to evaluate emotional intelligence on the first date, if you're unsure, schedule that second date!