Should I Text My Ex? 7 Do's & Don'ts Of Reaching Out To An Ex

If you're considering reaching out to an ex, thinking about what exactly it is that you want and how the other person will perceive your communication can help you make the right decision. Here are some things to consider when trying to answer that big question on your mind: Should I text my ex?

A few questions to think about:

You don't necessarily need to cut off all contact with your ex to get over a breakup, but in some cases, the "no-contact rule" really is the most effective way to move on.

Sometimes it can also be helpful to let your ex know the ways they've hurt you. In addition to giving you closure, the information can help them learn how to not repeat their hurtful behavior in future relationships. But if what you want to say isn't beneficial to your ex's growth or their healing process—or you know they're not likely to learn and change their behavior based on what you say—it may not actually be necessary or fruitful for you to reach out. You may benefit from just writing a letter or email airing out everything you want to say but never actually sending the letter.

Be clear about what you want when you contact them. When most people get a text or message from their ex, they'll immediately wonder, "What do they want?" Some part of them may suspect (or, depending on the situation, hope) you want to get back together. Be as direct and transparent as possible.

You can reach out and say, "I've been thinking about you lately and wanted to see how you're doing. Want to meet for coffee?" When you see each other, you can explain how you feel and why you think you two should give the relationship a second chance.

You can also send a text asking to get coffee or to have a conversation, or you can just say what you need to say via text, email, or even a phone call. Either way, don't string them along. Be clear about exactly why you're reaching out so your ex isn't left wondering.

If your breakup was hostile, chaotic, or involved one or both people getting deeply hurt, understand your ex may not be willing to help you get better closure—either because they don't care about your well-being, they're too resentful, or they simply got too hurt and need to take care of themselves.

You can still reach out if you need closure or feel like you should apologize for something you did in the relationship, but be sure to directly state that you're not looking to get back together—you just want to talk.

But if you want to discuss the possibility of getting back together, that's probably a conversation best had in person. If you feel like you don't fully understand why you broke up or there’s more to discuss about what happened in your relationship, that conversation might be a little too long and complex to try to have by text—an in-person meeting might be necessary to really get what you both need.

If your ex hasn't responded to your texts, DMs, social media comments, or any other form of communication, it's time to back off. They might not want any form of communication with you, and you need to be able to respect their decision and their needs. Their silence says all you need to know about the prospect of getting back together or being friends again. Even if you're sending a thoughtful, well-worded apology text, understand that your ex doesn't owe you gratitude, forgiveness, or really anything.

If you're going to reach out and text your ex, be thoughtful and exercise a lot of empathy.