4 Signs You Need To Rethink Your Boundaries

The desire to connect and form an intimate bond with another person is natural, but so is the desire to protect yourself (both physically and emotionally). Psychologically speaking, both desires are equally important, and healthy people strike a balance between their need for connection and their need for protection. They walk the middle ground of allowing themselves to be vulnerable in ways that facilitate intimacy while simultaneously keeping their guard up in ways that prevent their being taken advantage of. In other words, they have good boundaries.

Some people share way too much, way too quickly, about themselves and their lives, and they do this with just about everyone they meet. Usually, this indicates a desperate desire for true emotional connection—often stemming from a childhood in which they felt unloved, unwanted, defective, unworthy, etc.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some people are so afraid of being used, manipulated, and otherwise taken advantage of—usually because they have a childhood history filled with emotional, psychological, physical, and/or sexual abuse—that they close themselves off almost completely.

There are many causes of depression and anxiety, one of which is relationship stress. And poor boundaries are a primary cause of relationship stress. One person consistently feels used and not heard (or consistently uses and doesn’t hear the other), and the relationship naturally and very obviously feels "off." And it feels this way because one or both (usually both) people in the relationship have poor boundaries. Once again, this typically stems from various forms of early-life family dysfunction.

As you may have noticed, there is a definite connection between early-life trauma and abuse and later-life issues with boundaries. Typically, both issues must be addressed before a person is able to fully implement and maintain healthy boundaries on a long-term basis. Therapeutic assistance, especially therapy focused on trauma, is nearly always helpful in this regard.