Do Opposites Really Attract? 9 Pros & Cons To Consider

Have you ever been attracted to someone completely different from you? You're artistic and shy and find yourself drawn to sporty, talkative types. Or you're a social butterfly who loves to party every weekend, but your partner prefers quiet nights at home. Whatever the case may be, it's a common trope that in romance, opposites attract—like the A+ student crushing on the class clown and other unlikely pairings reminiscent of your favorite rom-coms. 

But do opposites really attract in real life, and can they actually work? According to psychology research and relationship experts, the answer is both yes and no.

"At its core, the idea that opposites attract suggests that people who have different personalities, interests, and backgrounds are more likely to be drawn to each other," says Amira Martin, LCSW, a therapist and adjunct professor at Columbia University's School of Social Work. "This can manifest in a variety of ways, like a quiet introvert falling for an outgoing extrovert, or a free-spirited artist dating a straight-laced accountant." 

Sometimes, "opposites attract" is less about having contrasting personalities and more about having opposing preferences and personal tastes—like when your partner blasts country music in the car but you can't stand it, or they crave strawberry ice cream constantly but you only like chocolate. It can also mean that you outwardly appear to be opposites in some way, like having different physical appearances or belonging to different cultures. 

Why are we so attracted to our opposites if we have seemingly little in common with them? Lauren Korshak, LMFT, a therapist, former matchmaker, and author of The Mindful Relationship, tells mbg, "People are often attracted to qualities that are either lacking or less prominent in themselves, [especially] when we see another person embodying those characteristics." For example, if you're generally shy or anxious, you might be drawn to someone who is extremely confident and self-assured, she explains. 

Although it's a common belief that "opposites attract," research shows that couples who share similarities are actually more likely to last long term. A 2005 study of marital satisfaction found that similarity is an important predictor of long-term relationship success, with personality being a key factor in determining whether or not a couple will last.

A 2017 study1 found that close friends and romantic partners tend to share similar core beliefs, values, and hobbies, and other research suggests2 that we're even drawn to people with similar physical traits as ours because we tend to find them more trustworthy. A 2022 study3 about dating app behaviors found that more highly educated users were more likely to choose a profile that flagged a higher education degree as well, suggesting that even online, similarity matters. 

But what about your aunt and uncle who have been married for 20 years and are polar opposites? "It might be easy for other people to look at their relationship as evidence for 'opposites attracting,'" says therapist Daniel Matchar, LMSW. "However, when a large sample of couples is examined, this pattern does not hold. Everyone has an example of an 'opposites attract' couple, but if you took an inventory of all the couples you know, it would probably become clear that these are usually anomalies."

Some stats, however, show that opposites can indeed attract and make things work—with a caveat. A 2020 study4 published in Developmental Psychology found that sharing intimate thoughts and feeling appreciated by a partner in a relationship are as important as having autonomy and separate interests. So even if you're total opposites, the relationship can be a rewarding one as long as there's enough communication and common ground. 

Clinical psychologist Chelsea Sarai, Psy.D., says that dating your opposite can provide a sense of balance in your romantic relationship. "[You] can complement each other's personalities and provide different perspectives on life," she tells mbg. 

Korshak says dating your opposite can even boost attraction. "In therapy, we look at couples on a spectrum from 'enmeshed' to totally 'differentiated.' Differentiation, or a sense of ourselves as separate from the other, can lead to more attraction and more intimacy. This differentiation can be easier to maintain for opposites." 

Whether you're dating your opposite or not, if you're unable to compromise or create a shared vision of what your relationship looks like, it can lead to power struggles, an imbalanced dynamic, or general dissatisfaction.

Research shows that having similar traits to your partner can make for a quality relationship. In general, similarity makes us feel comfortable and may make our partner seem more trustworthy. "Similar" doesn't necessarily mean that you're identical in all aspects and agree on everything—rather, you're aligned where it counts. 

A study published in Personality and Individual Differences6 found that couples who shared high levels of "openness" as a Big Five personality trait—aka how curious, creative, and imaginative you are—were more likely to stay together. Similarly, a 2020 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality7 found that people in successful, long-lasting relationships tend to have similar personality traits—namely, honesty, humility, and again, openness to experience. According to one study in the Journal of Research in Personality8, similarity may also specifically help folks with anxious attachment styles feel more secure about their relationship. 

Compatibility is all about existing harmoniously with someone or something. In a compatible relationship, your individual qualities work well together in a natural way, and you can address conflicts respectfully and effectively with each other. Although you don't have to be similar to be compatible, it is important that you and your partner complement each other in some way. 

"I encourage my clients to focus on finding someone who is compatible with them in the areas that matter most, such as shared values, goals, and communication styles," Martin tells mbg. "Finding someone who shares your core beliefs and who can support you through life's ups and downs is ultimately more important than finding someone who challenges you in every way possible."

Dating is a vulnerable experience, and it can be tough to tell if the person you're with is the right one—especially if you identify as polar opposites. But don't worry! It's entirely possible to find happiness with your opposite and strike a balance where you both respect and complement each other's personalities. 

"Overall, while the concept of 'opposites attract' may have some truth to it, it's important to remember that every relationship is unique and there is no one-size-fits-all formula for success," Sarai says. "It's important for couples to find a balance between similarities and differences that works for them."