Do You Know Your Non-Negotiables? Here Are 9 Common Deal Breakers In A Relationship

Long term relationships are full of ups and downs, but when you choose the right person for you from the get-go, those downs aren't so bad. When you encounter a deal breaker, however, you tend to get a gut feeling that a relationship with this person just won't work.

Deal breakers in a relationship are the long term qualities, behaviors, and values someone displays that do not align with your own views, values, and long term desires, according to licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli. In other words, she says, they're our "non-negotiables," or the specific things we absolutely will not tolerate in a relationship.

"There are an individual’s unique dealbreakers that are specific to what you want personally, and there are red flag dealbreakers that are violations, such as physical abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, and substance abuse," Spinelli adds.

Typically, though, the most common deal breakers fall within the categories of finances, children, roles in the relationship, beliefs, communication patterns, sex drives, career aspirations, and location, Spinelli tells mindbodygreen.

Money can be a big deal breaker for a lot of people, whether you disagree on how much you should both be contributing to the household budget, how much you spend versus save, or what you spend your money on at all.

Is one of you super ambitious while the other is content without future aspirations? Or perhaps one of you really prioritizes cleanliness while the other is unfazed about that pile of laundry or their own body odor.

Speaking of incompatible lifestyles, what if your lifestyles are super similar—but your personalities aren't? According to research, that can still be a dealbreaker. Namely, research published in the journal Nature Human Behaviour1 found that across 130+ traits, couples typically had around 82% to 89% traits in common, with only 3% of traits differing on average.

Sex is a big part of what sets romantic relationships apart from platonic ones, and if you don't have that sexual chemistry, Spinelli says, that can definitely be a deal breaker.

We all have different reasons for being in relationships, and in a healthy partnership, both people are generally on the same page about what they are getting (and giving) in the relationship, and they're in it for the right reasons. Similarly, there are clearly defined terms about commitment and fidelity—or ethical non-monogamy.

According to Spinelli, children can be a big deal breaker for a lot of people, whether you're in the camp who wants them, or the camp who's sworn them off forever. In either case, pairing up with someone who has different ideas about kids than you is eventually going to come up down the line, even if it doesn't seem like a big deal in the beginning.

Further, how you want to raise kids is just as important of a factor. One person might want their children to go to church every Sunday and attend a Catholic school, for instance, while the other wants to let their kids figure out their own spiritual paths. The possibilities here are endless, so beyond just knowing whether you want kids, you also want to be on the same page about what kind of parents you'd be.

Last but not least, it's a deal breaker if this person simply doesn't make you feel good. Again, every relationship has ups and downs, but if someone is consistently controlling, manipulative, dismissive, or otherwise negatively impacts your self-esteem and self-worth, Spinelli says you're better off breaking things off.

To that end, as therapist Megan Bruneau, M.A., previously told mindbodygreen, it's important not to hold out in the hopes of change. “Many people believe their partners will change—for example, become more committed, understanding, or affectionate—when they hit a milestone or when some external stressor is reduced."

In order to figure out your own deal breakers, you'll want to start by doing an inventory of your own core values, beliefs, and goals. Write them down if it helps you keep all your thoughts straight, and narrow down your list to a handful of 100% non-negotiable standards—the things you require from a relationship and the things you will not tolerate.

As Spinelli tells mindbodygreen, it's essential to understand your own deal breakers because without them, we're more likely to get into relationship dynamics that don't align with who we really are.

“While all intimate relationships are subject to experiencing rough patches at different times, choosing to remain in a relationship that consistently causes you stress or compromises your physical, emotional, or mental health isn’t the best choice,” Cullins adds. But knowing your deal breakers from the start can help you avoid that.