6 Do's & Don'ts When You're Dating Someone Who's Been Cheated On

If you're dating someone who was recently cheated on, here are some do's and don'ts to keep in mind, according to psychologist Karin Anderson Abrell, Ph.D.:

This one goes without saying, but if your partner was cheated on, they might need some extra reassurance, as "they may come into the relationship with more heightened anxiety about fidelity," Abrell explains. No matter what kind of relationship you're in (even open relationships have ground rules), it's important the both of you are clear about what defines cheating—and that you don't do it.

Behave in a way that "provides them with the utmost security and confidence that you're being faithful and full of integrity," Abrell says. There are some basic actions you can take that will likely help them as they learn to trust again, Abrell says, such as not flirting with people if you're in an exclusive relationship, being open and honest, and being consistent. As you learn the kinds of things that may trigger them, it can help you understand how better to support them. (Learning more about dating someone with an anxious attachment style can also help.)

Depending on how frequently these anxieties rear their head, Abrell says to find ways to show compassion while also standing your ground. It never feels good to have a partner doubt your integrity, so she suggests letting them know that just as much as you want them to trust you, "you also need to trust that they are being fair to you, seeing you for who you are, and not projecting onto you what happened to them."

Depending on your partner and what they went through, certain things may set off red flags for them, like friends of the opposite sex, not being able to get ahold of you for a few hours, or traveling without each other, for example. Abrell stresses this is not your burden to bear, and it's not fair for you to sacrifice things like friendships or alone time. At the end of the day, she notes, you simply can't be trustworthy enough to make up for the wounds they experienced in their last relationship. It's their work to do, and the best you can do is support them through it.

Abrell suggests preparing a sort of script, or at least bullet points, of the things you'd like to say. For example, "I love you, and I want this to work. I know we're two people who bring our pasts to this relationship, and we have to move beyond some of the experiences we've had that may cloud our ability to see each other with clarity."

If the problem persists, seeking the guidance of a professional could be helpful. You could gently suggest something along the lines of, "I know this has come up a few times, and it's clearly bothering you. I don't know what else I can do to reassure you, so maybe you could talk to someone about it." You could also try a session or two of couples' therapy, Abrell adds.

It's not easy to be cheated on, but it's also not easy to be on the receiving end of someone's anxieties about cheating. As best you can, try to show your partner you can be trusted while also recognizing that there's only so much you can do. Be patient as they heal and learn to trust again while still staying true to yourself and your own needs.