The One Habit Every Couple Needs For Their Relationship To Last

During a recent radio interview, the host asked me what I thought the secret to a successful relationship was. I thought of so many important things: trust, generosity, and good communication skills. But one stands out, and it is often one of the hardest for couples to manage: time.

Time to walk, to talk, and to experience the pleasure of being together.

Sometimes people think they need to go on a long and amazing holiday or adventure together, but that isn't the superglue that holds us together. It's important to make time for the small things, as this has a big effect on a relationship.

It's impossible to live with another person without feeling annoyed, upset, or angry at times. Sometimes it's not even that our partner has done anything wrong: We may be super irritable or overly sensitive, but if we're not able to talk about it, a little thing can grow into a big one. When I've just had a walk in the hills and shared a good meal with my partner and he asks me not to text him at work for the next few weeks unless it's really important because he has a big project on, I can hear that as a reasonable request and make sure I am thoughtful about not interrupting his day. If we haven't had any time together for a month except for coming and going and he makes the same request, it can sound like he is pulling away even more, and it's easier to interpret it as rejection rather than a reasonable request.

Without genuine connection, talking about a stressful or disagreeable topic can quickly break down communication between people who are already disconnected.

A ritual is a meaningful behavior we practice regularly. We seldom think about whether we feel like doing a particular routine; we simply get up, brush our teeth, start the coffee, and walk the dog.

Native Hawaiians practice a sunset ceremony every night: As the sun goes down, participants stand facing the ocean and silently reflect on the day. Did they keep their promises, do good work, and take that ocean swim they'd said they would? Which moments were touching, happy, or sad during the day? As the sun meets the ocean, that day, with its disappointments and its victories, is released as they await the dawn and the chance to begin again.

We develop rituals in our relationship without even thinking about it. One person makes dinner; the other cleans. We start each Saturday going to our favorite coffee house. Our partner brings us a cup of tea in the morning before they leave for work. Some people have wordless rituals for letting their partner know they want to make love, such as lighting a special candle.

Rituals comfort and nurture us. They become something we can count on no matter what is going on in our lives. Making regular time to connect with our partner is not only the soul food of love, but it maintains us through the stormy and frosty seasons of our relationships. Meaningful gifts and memorable trips are touching, standout moments in a relationship; however, it's the steady sprinkle of smaller moments of kindness and care that create a trusting and healthy relationship.

One of the most common complaints couples express is not having enough time to work on—and enjoy—their relationship. We don't need extravagant nights out to stay connected. Sharing a hot tub, simple date nights, and setting aside short moments during each day when we come together and move apart are even more important than the more dramatic things like climbing Machu Picchu or taking a Mediterranean cruise. Setting the intention to have a morning check-in or an evening exchange about the highs and lows of your day, and following through, can make a huge difference in your relationship.

One expression has stayed with me through all the decades of my marriage: If we spend all our time cleaning the barn but don't ride the pony, why bother? If we spend 98% of our relationship going to our jobs, dealing with scheduling, or talking about what isn't working, the most essential ingredients of a good relationship—pleasure and appreciation of our partner—begin to disappear. It only takes intention and willingness to follow through to put them back into our day; if we can take the time to brush our teeth, we can take the time to hug in the morning. If we can take 10 minutes to check our social media in the evening, we can take 10 minutes to check in with our partner about their day or let them know what we appreciate about them, about our lives.

Writer Ursula K. Le Guin says it best: "Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new."