The Couples Counseling & Therapy Practice You Can Do From Your Own Couch

I often hear from couples who want to rekindle the effortless intimacy they had at the beginning of their relationship, back when they were full of curiosity, fascination, and acceptance. When the chemical cocktail of love is exploding in your brain and body, it’s easy to feel unending interest in an amazing and mysterious stranger.

Over time, one may start to feel like they know their partner inside out—like they can predict their partner’s responses regularly. Even in a great relationship, one’s responses may become reactive, even parental ("I told you what to do, and you didn’t listen to me"). But these responses only shut down communication.

Reviving a relationship that has become stale often takes doing things differently, risking vulnerability, and leaving your comfort zone. Like physical fitness requires practice, so does communication fitness.

Imagine there’s a bridge; you’re on one side and your partner is on the other. You’re both looking at the river between you, but you have separate views. Similarly, many arguments between partners—be it about sex, money, or even how to properly wash the dishes—start because one person sees the problem differently from the other, and they are fighting about whose view is right.

Well, usually, both of you are right. But more than winning an argument, what you really want is to feel heard and acknowledged. Sadly, that’s the last thing that happens when you’re trying to prove your point and disprove theirs. While you may say you’re listening, your true agenda is to show your partner how their view of the river is wrong.

Choose one topic to talk about. Make it something non-inflammatory until you're good at the mirroring technique. Mirroring is not parroting. Instead, the receiver repeats the words the sender uses, trying their best to capture what the sender is expressing. As the receiver, you should put your own point of view in an imaginary box and move it to the side. This exercise is about the other person. Your partner, the sender, begins with an "I statement," like, "When you didn’t get home in time for our walk tonight, I felt…"

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough: You don't have to agree to be able to empathize. You are trying to put yourself into your partner's shoes and show them that you understand what they are going through. Remember, this isn’t about you. This is not the time to say, "One reason we haven't had time is that you have gone to four extra yoga classes this week." Instead, you could say, "I imagine you felt disappointed, hurt, and even angry when I didn’t get home on time."

Once your partner feels heard and understood, you might want to share your side of the story. You can ask to switch roles and then start the process from the beginning.

Unfortunately, like any tool, the Couples Dialogue can be misused by someone trying to prove they are "right." To avoid this trap, you can try waiting 24 hours before switching roles with your partner about the same issue.

The Imago Couples Dialogue is not a problem-solving process; it’s a way to seek understanding. The more you practice dialoguing, the better you will get at it. When you both feel respected and understood, your problems will often seem much smaller. As you soften your defenses, compromise becomes easier, sharing is safer, and intimacy can be restored or ignited in a new way. Ultimately, you and your partner will be willing to take more risks while talking to each other when your goal is understanding instead of winning.