How (And Why) To Be Nicer To Yourself: Tips For Positive Self-Talk

You know that voice in your head that criticizes you and feeds you a stream of mean information about yourself? That's negative self-talk. While being self-aware is usually considered to be a good thing, overactive self-criticism isn't very productive (or pleasant) when we're going about our lives.

It takes practice to counter negative self-talk with more positive thinking, according to Jennifer Mulholland and Jeff Shuck, co-authors of the recently published book, "Leading With Light: Choosing Conscious Leadership When You're Ready for More."

"We are thinking beings, so thinking happens whether we like it or not," Mulholland says. "That inner critic, at stages of our lives, can be a lot louder than we want it to be."

Negative thinking can become a habit, especially if we learned to criticize ourselves as a coping mechanism or through our upbringing, Mulholland added.

"Just think positively" is so easy to say... and nearly impossible to do.

However, you can work on questioning negative thoughts. When you have a negative thought about yourself, such as "I'm not a good friend," try to counter your negative thought with positive evidence. For example: I am a good friend because I listen to my friends and try to help them with their problems.

Our lives, and the world, will always be full of both good and bad things. Nothing is ever perfect, but most things are never entirely terrible either.

Balancing negative thoughts with positive thoughts isn't just helpful—it often leads you closer to the truth.

Try to become aware of negative thought spirals while they're occurring and interrogate them — Why am I thinking this? Who influenced this? What does this serve me? Who benefits from this thought train?

"Just that awareness is so helpful because whatever we are bringing our attention to, we are feeding," Mulholland says.

Sometimes, we seek validation for our negative thoughts, according to Mulholland.

People often vow to give up unhealthy behaviors, such as binge drinking alcohol, eating too much junk food, or scrolling mindlessly on social media. Why not treat worrying the same way?

"While other people are trying to work out more or give up alcohol, say like, 'I'm gonna give up worrying,'" Shuck says. "When you frame it in that way, at least for me, it was like, 'Wow, I see how addicted I am to worry. I see how how addicted I am to negative thinking.' It's a tool I pick up when I'm bored, or it's a tool I pick up when I'm driving home from work, and I don't know how to manage the problems."

Your worrisome problems won't go away because you think about them less frequently, but worrying about them all the time isn't going to make them disappear, either.

Shuck says aiming to give up worry can be a "powerful" step one to challenging negative thoughts.

When you find yourself caught up in a tornado of negative thought, changing your surroundings can help you break the momentum.

Try going for a mindfulness walk, during which you pay close attention to your setting. For example, tune into your five senses: What do you smell? What do you see? Hear? Feel? Taste? Redirecting your thoughts to something else can help you break out of a negative cycle, plus being outside might help you gain perspective that the mountain you're worrying about is, in fact, a molehill.

No one benefits from our arrogance, Shuck says, but no one wins when we "minimize ourselves" either.

Some days are just difficult. It's okay to slow down and give yourself some grace and space to feel down, Mulholland says.