8 Signs Of A Codependent Friendship & What To Do About It

Not all besties are good for you — just like relationships, friendships can be unhealthy, too. One common characteristic of a toxic friendship is codependency. Here's everything you need to know about what codependent friendships are, how to identify them, and how to heal.

Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy, tells mbg that codependent friendships "can take different forms." In addition to a lack of boundaries, they almost always include one telltale characteristic: an "imbalanced power dynamic." Usually there's one person who's always the giver and one who's always the taker.

"It's normal and healthy to sometimes need extra support from your friends—perhaps during a breakup or after losing a job—but if one person always needs rescuing or excusing, it may be a codependent friendship, which lacks a true give-and-take dynamic," Lurie says.

The person who plays the "giver" role in a codependent friendship typically spends a lot of time and energy trying to fix their friend's problems, even at the cost of ignoring their own. They rarely receive the same attentive energy in return from the "taker."

"Giver" friends often genuinely enjoy listening and helping out. "It can feel really good to help someone or to be understanding, and many people who tend toward codependency like to feel needed or that they are a good person," Lurie says. Still, all that giving takes a toll, and they eventually start to feel emotionally drained after each conversation.

This is one of the most "glaring signs" that a friendship is codependent, Marchenko says. Codependent friendships have porous boundaries, so it's easy for one person's needs to overrule. It becomes difficult to even define where one person's needs end and the other person's begin.

Codependent friends may also share emotions. If one person becomes upset, the other person experiences the same feelings. This is empathy to the extreme, as your emotions start to become dictated by the moods of your friend instead of coming from within. (Here's the difference between empathy and codependency.)

Codependent friends eventually end up in a situation of enmeshment, according to Marchenko. It becomes very difficult for the "giver" friend to assert their own needs, choices, or opinions—especially if these differ from the "taker's." They may feel guilty at the mere thought of it.

When two friends are codependent, they're overly reliant on each other to satisfy each of their needs. The "taker" may rely on the "giver" for emotional support, for example, while the "giver" may rely on the "taker" for a sense of importance and self-esteem. It's good to rely on your friends—but you shouldn't be totally dependent on them for your sense of self or for your emotional stability.

A codependent friendship can involve controlling or jealous behavior. If one friend starts to become close to someone else—like another friend or even a romantic partner—the other person may feel deeply threatened.

"If you've realized that most of your friendship is dedicated to your friend's wants and needs and not your own, the first thing to consider is why you gravitated to this situation in the first place," Lurie says. It may have to do with your sense of self-worth and an underlying need to feel important or "good." Often, it's rooted in an old childhood family dynamic. This can be a very deep-rooted habit, so it may be helpful to have a professional therapist there to support you through this journey.

"This can be really scary because we may fear that they may not want to be our friend anymore if we are not constantly over-giving," Lurie explains. But even though it may feel like an affront to your friend to assert your independence from them, it's actually an act of kindness. Holding people accountable and giving them an opportunity to change is "the more loving choice" than staying quiet for the sake of the status quo, Lurie explains. 

If, on the other hand, your friend is a genuine one, then they'll be more than happy to adjust to a new, healthier friendship dynamic. They'll even be excited about it—because it means they get to learn more about the real you.

"If you've realized that your friend is often giving more than they take or that your friendship tends to revolve around you, first understand that your friend may not think that there's anything wrong," Lurie says. "We often take on roles that feel most comfortable for us, and your friend 'disappearing' into their role may be something they're doing unconsciously."

If you find this shift difficult, it's wise to seek professional therapy for help, Marchenko advises. 

"Most importantly, you could let your friend know that you love and care about them even when they're not doing things for you," Lurie says.

Nobody's perfect, after all. But with mutual empathy and self-awareness, both friends can care for each other while also caring for themselves.