Can People Really Change? A Couples' Therapist Debunks A Big Relationship Myth

Couples often ask me, "Can people really change?" This is interesting since these same people do believe in learning, which, if you think about it, is another word for the kinds of changes couples are wondering about.

The belief that growth, learning, and change happen only in children is still hanging around and influences our expectations of what is possible. Often what we mean when we say that people don't change is that we do not expect people to continue growing and learning past a certain age.

One of the most important facts we have from the neuroscience of the past decades is that our brains are constantly being reshaped by experience, right into our seventh and eighth decades of life. As Louis Cozolino, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and author of The Neuroscience of Human Relationships, says, "The brain is the organ whose mission is to constantly change itself." In 1992 Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist at the University of Wisconsin–Madison proposed the term neuroplasticity to describe this vast ability of our brains to change. 

How often have you labeled someone, yourself included, with a particular characteristic? "He's so kind," or "I'm just not spontaneous," or "She's very controlling."

In fact, we all have a myriad of ways of being. Who we "are"—our identity—depends on many factors, including tendencies we were born with, the various situations we find ourselves in, and on deliberate choices we make to develop certain qualities. 

Couples are often pessimistic about change when they have been trying, sometimes for a long time, to make changes and have not succeeded. They often arrive at my door very discouraged.

Rather than asking if people can change, a better question is: Under what conditions do people change?

Many people hold inside of themselves a heartfelt longing for an ideal relationship with a life partner. For many of us, it is one of our most precious dreams. 

In my work with couples, I often hear the story of giving up on the dream. They have encountered the difficulties of being in a relationship and the noticeable gap between what they are experiencing and what they had hoped for. They look around at others' relationships. (How many people do you know that have the relationship you would most like to have?) They give up on their dreams and try to be "realistic."

The relationship you want is not something you acquire by choosing the right partner, scheduling a caterer, or putting a ring on your beloved's finger. The secret to a great relationship is to simultaneously hold the inspiration of the vision, compassionate acceptance of your current difficulties, and a commitment to learning together.

The role of decisions in relationship improvement is often overlooked. The first step is deciding. Or as Peter Block, a consultant to organizations, titled his book about taking action on things that matter, The Answer to How Is Yes. 

With a decision and commitment to change, we engage in a kind of dialogue with life where we assume that there is a way forward. We find new paths that we did not know about, and could not know about, prior to deciding.

Commitment means we close the option of turning around, giving up. The big commitment to a person and a relationship becomes a series of smaller decisions we will make to learn and grow together.