Want To Strengthen Your Relationship In The New Year? Heed This Advice From Experts

Relationships are a fundamental aspect of our wellbeing and lives in general—and yes, they require maintenance and effort! No relationship will be without its ups and downs, and whether you're single, committed, or in a situationship, there are a few universal truths we all ought to know when it comes to partnering up.

"In any of your relationships, has righteous indignation shuttered your heart because you feel the other's opinion is wrong? Could it simply be that it's inconvenient, annoying, or harder to work out than if you totally agreed? I remember something we read out at our wedding: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married? I think that might be a good question we can ask ourselves when we find ourselves harboring resentment about someone doing something differently than we do. A difference of opinion can turn into a possibility about how to do things neither person has considered when people are able to manage their flight-or-fight responses to allow for 'real listening,' and to express some empathy and understanding for their partner's viewpoint even if it isn't theirs."

“Being vulnerable means we make a conscious decision not to hide ourselves. This is risky because we can't control how others will respond to us. It means others see who we truly are, and if they aren't able to take us in, or appreciate our complexity, and they judge or reject us, it hurts deeply. The irony is, when we [struggle with vulnerability], we end up robbing ourselves of the intimacy, connection, community, and love of the people who have the bandwidth and capacity to take us in as we are. Allow yourself to notice how you feel in different situations, tune in to your body, and practice saying how you genuinely feel about things out loud. It can be surprisingly powerful to say, 'I feel angry toward my sister,' or, 'I feel scared of being alone,' because often, we doesn't even allow ourselves to be vulnerable with ourselves.”

“Trust is a secure belief that you are emotionally, physically, and psychologically safe with [another person]. When we trust someone, we believe and expect that their word is true and their intentions are genuine. [But when] one carries emotional baggage into a relationship with a trustworthy person, the relationship suffers as past wounds are projected as an instinctive position of self-protection. Explore the source of this trust deficit; Has it arisen in previous relationships, or is it exclusive to the present scenario? Keep floating backward in your memory to the origins [of your trust issues] and listen to your younger self’s pain with compassion, providing reassurance that the past is behind and you are in a healthier place now."

"Even if someone doesn't stay in your life long—like a freelancer who works at your company for nine months whom you become close to until they move to the other side of the country, or a lover you meet on a retreat and four months later they tragically pass—it's still a soul mate. In the case of the friend, you two might always treasure your time together and the lessons you learned, but your lives are too busy to keep up the friendship in a significant way. In the case of the lover who passed, you might think of this person fondly for the rest of your life or even consider them a spirit guide. Soul crossings teach us not to judge the importance or depth of a soulmate by the length of the relationship."

"The degree to which you hyper-focus on whether someone likes you is the degree to which you will self-abandon. It's an incredibly addictive and compulsive kind of attraction that all of us are programmed to be sensitive and vulnerable to. Our desire for somebody often increases when they're almost available and almost interested and almost in love, but they never fully get there. Falling in love is a mixture of true vulnerability, desire, sexuality, and romance that creates a blend—kind of like the Holy Grail—of safety, excitement, availability, and shared love. That's really what we're looking for."

"We take for granted that relationships will just take care of themselves. It turns out, friendships wither and die not because there's anything wrong with the relationships, but just because they get neglected. Think of somebody you haven't seen and kind of miss. Take out your phone and just send them a little text saying, I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hi. Just do that and see what comes back. [It] takes you 30 seconds, and it's a way to start that social fitness routine."

"Once you understand what in your past is contributing to feelings of jealousy, you can identify present-day triggers that activate the feeling. With this awareness, you can utilize mindfulness to manage feelings of jealousy. Recognize that these are thoughts generated by your mind and they aren’t necessarily based in fact. Once you can emotionally ‘unhook’ from the thoughts, it is easier to ride the wave of jealousy until it subsides. Open communication often helps dispel any perceived threats that are contributing to feeling jealous. If you’re struggling with jealousy, talk to your person and let them know that you’re having a hard time. Remember, everyone struggles with jealousy at some point. Show yourself compassion by acknowledging the struggle. Remind yourself that you’re not alone in this and that the emotion is temporary and will pass.” 

"You get stuck in the routine of things [when you live together], and that's what makes you feel like you're roommates—plus you don't have to put much effort into seeing each other anymore because you're around each other. Doing something that's different is what's going to bring that newness and spark back into the relationship. While living together, encourage each other to pursue individual interests, hobbies, and friendships [too]."

"A common, socially constructed narrative that we have about relationships is that being able to anticipate our partner's needs is a sign of love. As humans, we are in a constant state of fluctuation. One moment we need emotional comfort; the next, concrete steps and solutions. Expecting our person to decipher our internal workings (the ones even we have a hard time making sense of!) can set us up for disappointment and ultimately resentment. Stop expecting others to read your mind or just 'know' what you're thinking or feeling. Set the relationship up for success by having open and ongoing conversations about individual and relational needs."