What To Do When Both Partners Have Depression In A Relationship

Dating with depression is challenging no matter what. "When somebody's depressed, they're feeling really hopeless. When you have two people, it's times two or three," New York City psychotherapist and relationship specialist Lisa Brateman tells mbg. "It's a tricky thing."

Our mental state always has an effect on our partner, children, and anyone else living in our household. When you and your partner both have depression, it's incredibly important for you to have super-clear boundaries. Each person in the relationship has to take responsibility for their own mental health by cultivating self-awareness, California therapist Kim Egel tells mbg.

Yes, that means, you should avoid taking on your partner's mental health as your own burden. It can be tempting to dive into a caretaker role for your partner, especially when you know exactly what it's like to be in their shoes. But that way lies codependency. It's not healthy to rely on each other for happiness or support, as it transforms the relationship from two loving adults into a therapy-client or parent-child dynamic.

"You want your relationship to be your relationship," Brateman says. "You don't want to move your relationship into, 'I'm going to be responsible for your depression. I'm going to cheer you up."

Self-care in the context of depression may include therapy, medication, support from family and friends, lifestyle changes such as exercise or meditation, and, yes, support from your partner. When your partner is depressed too, it means you both need to be especially active when it comes to caring for your own individual mental health.

"Knowing the tools to grab onto when your depressive symptoms kick in is essential for keeping you and your intimate relationship healthy," Egel says. "Owning your individual battle with depression and doing the coping tools that you know to do for yourself to keep your mood as stabilized as possible will affect the state of your intimate relationship."

When both people are entering a depressive episode at the same time, it becomes even more important to ramp up the self-care action plan quickly, Brateman says, before each person's symptoms spiral and affect other areas of life, like employment or friendships. A partner in the middle of an episode is less equipped to help you through yours, so self-care is of the utmost importance at those times. Stay vigilant of your own symptoms and warning signs.

Depressive episodes tend to come in waves. You may be in a low state when your partner is not, or vice versa. When you're in the throes of depression, it can be hard to clearly see what's going on with you, let alone tell anyone else about it. It's also difficult to see what's happening with your partner or how you might be affecting them.

The only way to overcome this is to communicate out loud about everything. Guesswork never cuts it in a relationship, but especially not when depression is involved.

For communication and transparency to truly flow naturally, make sure to reassure your partner that you want to know how they're feeling, even if it's bad news. Long-term couples often forget to ask each other simple questions, like "How are you feeling today?" But these check-ins can go a long way toward preventing a depressed person from isolating themselves, which depression tends to make very tempting.

One positive part of a double-depression relationship, though, is that each person may feel more comfortable opening up about their depression once they know that their partner has been there.

While you should never rely completely on your partner for emotional support, it is incredibly important to show up for each other. Supporting your partner can take many different forms, from verbal reassurances to making joint plans to leave the house.

"Having respect and understanding for your partner as they're coping with their mental health challenges will help to keep a love connection healthy," Egel says. "Your relationship will remain in better standing as you support your partner while allowing them to work through their own individual depressive symptoms."

It can be helpful to make a plan for support ahead of time for each person's depressive episodes rather than winging it when symptoms pop up. Do they want encouragement? A listening ear? Gentle reminders?

Do not try to tell your partner what to do to fix their depression. Even if you're right, it'll likely backfire. "Most people don't really appreciate being told what to do," Egel says. "Then they get defensive and dig their heels in, and then there's a conflict, a power struggle. Even if they agree with their partner."

Just remember, your loved one is not a project to be fixed.

"They're not broken," Brateman says. "They're just depressed."