Here's What Having An Avoidant Attachment Style Really Means + How To Work Through It

The four attachment styles are secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and fearful-avoidant (aka disorganized) attachment.

The avoidant attachment style is the second most common out of the four types and involves a tendency to form insecure relationships out of a desire to remain independent.

As clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., previously wrote for mindbodygreen, "Those with this style often seem to have strong self-esteem and a very independent streak. However, their hyper-independence and strong defense mechanisms make it difficult to connect on an intimate level."

According to relationship researchers Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel Heller, M.A., in their book Attached, avoidants tend to push their partners away because intimacy is a trigger for them.

Feeling dependent on someone can bring up fears of pain and rejection because the more vulnerable they become, the more open or likely they are to get hurt. This can result in shutting down or leaning away from a partner when they feel they're "getting too close," or in general, struggling to express true vulnerability.

For people with an avoidant attachment style, conflict (or any negative emotion) is often met with hostility. In fact, one 2017 paper on apologies and attachment styles1 found that those exhibiting avoidant attachment behaviors "tend to use distancing strategies when they, their partners, or their relationships are distressed."

Because avoidants have historically been let down, they feel most comfortable handling their problems on their own (and without talking about it), Page explains. He adds that this can also manifest intro control issues, such as eating disorders, as a way to self-soothe and control their own needs.

According to attachment theory expert R. Chris Fraley, Ph.D., in his research on attachment styles, avoidant people are particularly adept at repressing or otherwise compartmentalizing negative emotions.

According to Page, some other signs of an avoidant personality are instances in which they seem turned off by intimacy—whether that's avoiding physical contact, avoiding eye contact, being generally repulsed by people, or feeling like you need to get away from people a lot, he says.

Relating back to numbers 3 and 6, people who have an avoidant attachment style prefer not to rely on others for as much as possible, favoring their independence and "no-strings-attached" mindset—and that translates to not wanting to be relied on, either, Page says.

Last but not least, Page calls out a paradoxical phenomena he's seen time and time again with avoidant clients; attracting unavailable people. As he tells mindbodygreen, getting into unstable relationships is a subconscious effort to stay in the familiar zone of not needing to rely on anyone, be vulnerable, or experience healthy love.

Attachment styles are formed in our earliest years based on the kind of care (and consistency of that care) we received from caregivers. And according to Page, if you have an avoidant attachment style, "You come from an environment where the level of care and responsiveness was just not adequate—and so you have to essentially swallow your needs, your struggles, your desires, in order to maintain the minimum level of connection that exists."

And we're not talking about basic needs like food, shelter, and water, but emotional needs, like feeling understood and loved as you are. "You have to not only feel like you're going to be cared for but also feel like you're being seen and being cherished. Those are the components of the recipe that helps someone relax and begin to trust the world, their relationships, and themselves in a deeper way," Page notes.

If you're a parent raising a young child, it's important to understand the factors that influence healthy attachment so your child can grow up with a sense of trust, belonging, and connection.

There's a book Page recommends, which he says outlines those factors well, called The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, by clinical psychiatrist Edward Hallowell, M.D.

"What he says," Page explains, "is the two great keys that will help a person raise a child that has a generally healthy sense of self is to, one, teach them mastery—that they can handle problems. And two is that the child has a felt sense that the parent enjoys who they are."

While learning to reframe your attachment style can require time and effort, it's not impossible, and your relationships will thank you for it. As Page explains, the biggest things you can do to get started are cultivating relationships with people you can truly trust, as well as focusing on the inner work of connecting to your own needs (and learning to voice them slowly but surely).

In an effort toward personal growth of any kind, mindfulness is also always required. After all, you can't unlearn patterns if you don't notice them in the first place.

To that end, marriage counselor Linda Carroll, M.S., previously wrote for mindbodygreen, "Practicing mindfulness is essential for any change. In relationships, shifting from reactiveness to responsiveness can lift us out of our early attachment patterns toward a healthier, more secure style."

As you start to notice when your avoidant tendencies are popping up, you can work to adjust your behavior. Page adds that working with a therapist you can trust is not only a good way to open yourself up to another person but, further, to learn to tap into your own repressed needs and feelings.

"I cannot overemphasize how important it is to find people who cherish you and that you can trust and how much more important that is than just trying to do it on your own," Page tells mindbodygreen, adding, "Psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually, 'lifting yourself up by your bootstraps' never works because we are interdependent teams, first and foremost."

Finally, he says, avoidants must learn not to be ashamed of their needs and even to validate, honor, and champion them. To that end, he says, "The distance you keep from your own heart is the very distance you keep from your intimate relationships," and when you're connected to the desires in your own heart, "you're going to be able to embrace that in your intimate relationships."