Take This Simple 5-Minute Quiz To Find Out Your Attachment Style

So you've caught wind of the whole attachment style thing, and you're intrigued. Attachment theory—that is, the idea that the way your earliest caregivers treated you can affect how you approach relationships today—can be eye-opening and allow you to make sense of why you behave the way you do when you're dating someone. So it's no wonder this psychological framework has become so popular.

According to the popular attachment theory developed by psychologists Mary Ainsworth, John Bowlby, and others throughout the latter half of the 20th century, people tend to approach their relationships with one of four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant. A person's attachment style is thought to form in infancy and early childhood as a response to the relationship they have with their earliest caregivers.

"Your attachment style is your mind's template for how safe you are in a relationship," clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., recently told mbg.

The rarest attachment style is thought to be fearful-avoidant attachment. According to a 2019 study1 in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, an estimated 10 to 15% of people have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which is thought to be a result of traumatic early experiences with a caregiver.

Once you know what your attachment style is, you can use that knowledge to communicate your needs to your romantic partners so they know how to best support you.

For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can start by telling the people you're dating about your tendency to need a lot of reassurance in relationships and why certain actions can trigger your insecurities. Or if you have an avoidant attachment style, you can let your partner know why having space is so important to you to feel comfortable in a relationship.

From there, you can begin to recognize in the moment when you're exhibiting behaviors related to your attachment wounds and take steps to address them head-on rather than letting them continue to negatively affect your relationships.

"As you explore your wounds, you'll come to realize that you can become empowered by acknowledging and stating your needs," Manly explains. "Rather than getting reactive or shutting down, you can state your needs to your partner in clear, healthy ways. By using 'I' messages and communicating clearly, your partner will become more aware of your wounds and your needs."

(Here's Manly's full guide to healing attachment issues.)

Over time as you work on understanding the root of your attachment wounds and how they manifest in your relationships, you can work—often in tandem with a supportive romantic partner—to move toward a healthier and more secure way of relating to others.