A New Report Found That Parents Feel Stressed & Lonely — What A Therapist Thinks

The parents are not OK.

As a whole, the report acknowledges the multifaceted, layered challenges parents face today. This has led to many parents feeling overburdened with anxiety, often to the point of getting in the way of day-to-day lives: The report found that 40% of U.S. parents report that on most days “they are so stressed they cannot function.” 

There is so much to pay attention to: Scheduling ever demanding schedules, evolving emotional needs, worries about how to navigate technology and child safety, parental mental health woes (especially for birthing persons of color and LGBTQ individuals who face disproportionate rates of discrimination), as well as financial burdens that prevent access to breaks from the parental role (child-care costs have risen 26% in the last decade).

While the number of hours in the day has not changed, the way that parents are forced to optimize those hours has changed dramatically. Parents are working more than at other points in history, and yet they are also spending more time caring for their children. 

The report found that time spent weekly on primary child care has increased by 40% among mothers from 8.4 hours in 1985 to 11.8 hours in 2022 and by 154% among fathers from 2.6 hours in 1985 to 6.6 hours in 2022.

To make matters worse, while parents are struggling, they are doing so alone–65% of parents report being “lonely,” compared to 55% of non-parents. 

So many parents come into the therapy office or support circles and tell me how hard things are, but they are not sharing this with other people in their lives. If you grew up in a family that kept negative experiences secret or if you were judged or shamed for your imperfections, it may be hard to expose that you are having a hard time.

However, the truth about shame is the more we shine a light on it (with the right people), the less terrible we feel.

Caregivers, including myself, have to get really good at becoming aware of what others around them need.

There are times in my life when I had to show up so fully for others that I disconnected from what I wanted. I began to feel embarrassed for having needs, instead of owning that my neediness was actually just humanness.

Sometimes depending on others for support gets imbued with meaning from our families or our individualistic culture–we think we are weak or not good enough–when in reality, what we know from research is that when we are comforted by someone we love, we rate the pain less than we do when we are alone.

The nuclear family can become a very insulated unit. Oftentimes we put too much pressure on our partners or even our children to carry the weight of our world.

However, research on happiness shows that healing happens in connection and community.

Instead of working hard on your own, consider ways to band with other caregivers to make sustainable changes.

Because we live in a culture that tells us to tune out of ourselves instead of into ourselves, we often don’t know when we are approaching our limits and therefore go beyond them.

Before we know it, we feel like we are going to explode or we feel resentful, but we weren’t aware of the stop signs that we blew past before we reached frustration.

When we say “no” to the non-essentials, we say yes to the things and people that are most important to us. However, in order to set boundaries, we have to become acquainted with the idea that we have limits. We associate boundaries with pushing people away, when in actuality, by letting them into our truths (our need for space) we are bringing them closer to us.

Boundaries are for the relationship, not against it—spokes need to be tight inorder for the wheel of a bike to turn safely and efficiently. Like the wheel, if boundaries are not tight relationships do not feel as safe.

We are living in a moment where sometimes parenting is referred to as another “job.” This is problematic because it both takes the joy out of the experience and becomes another thing “to do.” As a mother, I see myself as in relationship with my children, not as providing a service for my children. What this means to me is: I care for their wellbeing, but I care for mine as well. I do not hold myself responsible for being everything to my children, which requires me getting very clear on what I must do and what I sometimes cannot/won’t do. I believe that treating our children as another BIG thing we have to “do,” is part of what is making us low resourced and overwhelmed. 

Being a parent is part of our identity, but not the whole of it. Loving our children doesn't have to mean abandoning ourselves. What parts of you do you want to nurture, outside your role as caregiver? How can you share more about these parts with your children, through storytelling or taking them along for experiences, rather than adding in more child-focused experiences?