7 Types Of Sexually Unfulfilling Relationships & How To Fix Them

You might feel more like roommates than lovers, more like a parent than a partner. You might cringe when your partner touches you or postpone going to bed because you can't stand having "that fight about sex" one more time. You might feel used sexually by your spouse, or you might feel like your partner rejects you sexually.

A sexually unfulfilling relationship is a quiet, insidious poison. But it starts subtly. The tiny blips on the radar that signal our partnership is veering toward bitterness or divorce often don't trigger the alarm until it's too late. There's a little voice in the back of our heads that says, "Something's not right here." But we often quiet that voice with the response, "But I guess it's not too bad."

Good relationships can end over bad sex. Relationships that could have thrived often end up dissolving, not because the pair is mismatched or there was never any hope but because those little warning signs weren't heeded as harbingers of the death of intimacy. It might be easy for us to smooth over these warning signs as "no big deal." But they are a big deal. Those tiny dissatisfactions and disappointments really matter in the long run. If you want to save your relationship from sexual dysfunction and the bitterness it encourages, you've got to take those little things seriously.

When couples come to me on the verge of divorce, one person in the pair is often blindsided—having had no idea how bad things had gotten—whereas the other partner has known and been trying to tell their partner for years.

When a man feels sexually connected with and appreciated by his partner, he wants to give them everything they've ever wanted. It's quite a beautiful sight to behold—and even more incredible to experience. But this remarkable gift of service that men are dying to offer those they love will start to wither if they feel rejected, criticized, or unappreciated—especially sexually.

When a woman feels sexually confident, safe, and warm toward her partner, she likes to touch them and be touched by them. When a woman feels sexually withdrawn or guarded, she will often recoil, brace herself, or swat her partner away when they touch. She may fear that any touch is attached to the expectation of sex—even if she doesn't want to have it.

We're all busy. It seems well-intentioned to create a schedule for sex. With kids and work, who doesn't love a planned date night? I have certainly put "SEX" in the Google calendar I share with my partner. This type of scheduling can be beneficial. But the type of scheduling that is based upon trying to have a "normal, healthy sex life" is a harbinger of disaster.

Let's get real. Sometimes there is a real problem in the relationship that must be addressed—and sometimes this problem warrants a fight. But at least half the time, there's no real problem when we fight. Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "Wait—why are we even fighting?" as you hurl a fresh insult in your partner's direction?

As women, we have too much to do already. My teacher Nicole Daedone calls it the Western women's mantra: "I work too hard, I eat too much, I diet too much, I drink too much, I shop too much, I give too much. And still, there's this sense of hunger inside that I can't touch." For too many of us, that sense of hunger is going unfulfilled—and instead of feeling nourished by sex, it feels more like a chore than a pleasure.

Here's the thing, though: After sex, I feel as refreshed, as if I'd just taken a great nap. Because the kind of sex I have—and teach—isn't a chore I perform only for my partner's benefit. It's a desire-based act I perform for my own benefit and pleasure. If you're feeling burnt out and tired, it's a sign that you need more of the kind of sex that feeds your inner hunger (you know, that longing inside that no amount of ice cream can fill).