6 Habits That Increase Your Odds Of Divorce, From A Marriage Therapist

What sets apart individuals in thriving relationships from those in unsuccessful or dissatisfying ones?

Over the decades, psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., and his research team have delved into the behaviors of numerous couples to decipher the dynamics within their relationships.

Their investigations have involved observing couples over extended periods post lab interactions.

Their findings reveal that couples who part ways within six years of marriage often exhibit six common habits.

The first three minutes of a conversation are an indicator of how that conversation will end.

A harsh startup usually includes the word "you" followed by an absolute term like "always" or "never." For example, "You never help around the house," or "You are always on your phone!"

Another indicator that you are using a harsh startup is bringing topics up during a time that catches the other person off guard or using a threatening tone of voice.

Of course, we are all bound to start a conversation abruptly, critically, or with an unsettling tone from time to time—humans are not robots.

However, couples who end up getting divorced tend to use harsh startups in their difficult conversations more often than their happier counterparts.

Given their name by Gottman as a play on the biblical story of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" signaling the end of days, the presence of the "four horsemen" of relationship conflict signals a relationship in distress.

As a couple gets more embedded in a negative conflict cycle through the use of harsh startups and the four horsemen, they will begin to experience what is called "flooding."

Flooding occurs when we are exposed to stress and conflict again and again. Our body starts to release stress hormones that affect our ability to be relational and solve conflicts with other people. This leads people into fight, flight, or freeze in their conflict discussions.

When couples can navigate their flooding by taking breaks and self-soothing, it does not become chronic, and they are able to neutralize the impacts.

Body language matters in our relationships. Whether we like it or not, our partner is automatically and constantly scanning our body language for cues about whether or not they are safe and loved in the relationship.

In any relationship, we are bound to mess up. In fact, it's only natural that couples get into conflict from time to time. The healthiest couples are able to repair after these mishaps, though.

Even further, they are able to accept each other's attempts to repair. In comparison, couples that are headed to divorce tend to make far fewer repair attempts and are also less likely to accept their partner's attempt to repair.

Happy couples spend time talking about the good times. They share recollections with each other of their favorite vacations, how they met, and what they "miss" about their early days.

When things get tough, they tend to negate the tough stuff with the good stuff. For example, "Wow, this is a really hard month...but we've had so many good years together. I know we will get through it."

In comparison, unhappy couples tend to spend more time focused on where things have gone wrong.

The good news is that all of these habits have behavioral antidotes. This means that if you notice any of these things in your relationship, you can change them by changing your behavior. And, as you change your behavior, you might also notice your relationship changing too.

The antidote to a harsh startup is to learn how to bring topics up with gentle assertiveness and to speak on your needs.

Rather than saying something like, "You are always on your phone!" you might learn to say "I'm feeling really lonely. I need us to spend time together without our phones."

If you deal with chronic flooding, you'll likewise want to learn to self-soothe by taking breaks (even when it's hard) and using your breathing to calm your body.

As for body language, check in with your partner about how they are feeling during your conversations to ensure that what you're trying to express through your body is landing the right way.

The antidote to failed repair is to learn to make repair quickly and to accept it—even when it's hard.

And if you tend to hyperfocus on bad memories, you'll want to spend conscious time talking about what is good. You might do this by sharing memories or offering each other appreciation regularly.