A Therapist's 4-Step Guide To Actually Making Amends In Relationships

The point of an apology is to recognize hurt feelings, express regret about the mistake or misunderstanding, and provide a plan for avoiding a repeat. Yet the phrase "I'm sorry" conveys none of that. Merriam-Webster defines the word sorry as "feeling sorrow." Umm...sorrow about what? Sorrow about getting caught? Sorrow that a long-winded emotional conversation is suddenly necessary? "I'm sorry" is an empty phrase at best and rapidly turns toxic when the word if is thrown into the mix.

Have any of these phrases ever made you feel understood, seen, validated, and secure in your relationship? 

Rather than offering apologies, making amends is the fastest path out of stuck in a relationship. Making amends is a concept from the 12-Step addiction recovery model. While I have issues with some of the practices of the 12-Step program, the concept of amends, as opposed to apologies, is a concept to which I fully subscribe. Making amends is appropriate whether you identify as an addict or not.

The Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, one of the original addiction recovery organizations, says, "Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life...whereas apologies are basically words. When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles."

Apologies don't accomplish the goals of acknowledgment or alignment. The phrase "I'm sorry" is often hollow and devoid of meaning. Yet we're all taught from early childhood that when we hurt someone we're supposed to say "I'm sorry." 

What does this look like in action? Let's say Esa is an accountant with a major filing deadline. Earlier in the week, her wife, Davey, promised to watch the kids Saturday morning so that Esa could work. Saturday morning arrives. Davey runs out to Costco and loses track of time, and Esa's day is quickly swallowed by the feeding, cleaning, and entertaining required by their two young children and rambunctious chocolate Lab. A baseline apology would be for Davey to simply say, "I'm sorry I was late." A toxic apology would be if she said, "Well, I had things to do too. I'm sorry if you missed your deadlines, but that's just the way it goes." 

Neither baseline nor toxic apologies convey empathy. Stay in a relationship long enough and you'll likely end up on the giving and receiving side of both. Before I learned this information, my apologies were more of a knee-jerk effort to avoid feeling guilty rather than an attempt at genuine relationship repair. Can you relate? 

Using this technique accomplishes several tasks: 

You validate to your partner that they are not crazy—the thing they are upset about did happen because of your action. 

Using an empathy statement allows your partner to feel seen and heard. This creates a bridge for deep healing and repair. It also decreases limbic (emotional) brain activity and allows for reasonable and logical communication. 

You are accountable for creating a plan so you don't repeat the problem. 

Your partner can feel secure because now they know you have a plan to prevent the problem. 

Offering to actively listen prevents the buildup of resentment and creates space for intimacy and repair.