These 3 Things Are Non-Negotiable For Building A Strong Connection, Says A Top Happiness Expert
You may feel like you need to change to be loved, or that you have to convince someone else to change. But according to happiness scientist Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., all you need to do is change the conversation.
Lyubomirsky has spent 36 years studying what actually makes people happier, running clinical-style trials that test happiness practices the way researchers test vaccines. What she found, again and again, is that nearly every intervention that works does so because it makes people feel more connected and more loved. That insight became the foundation of her new book, How to Feel Loved.
Lyubomirsky broke down the three aspects of connection that can shift any relationship in the right direction on recent episode of the mindbodygreen podcast, revealing what most of us are missing without even realizing it.
Why feeling loved matters more than you think
Lyubomirsky and her coauthor, relationship scientist Harry Reis, surveyed people to find out how loved they felt across their major relationships. 70% of respondents said there was at least one relationship in which they didn't feel loved enough, or didn't feel loved frequently enough. Among those in romantic partnerships, 40% said they wished they felt more loved by their partner. And Lyubomirsky believes these numbers are an understatement.
What people said they were missing in these relationships wasn't grand gestures. "It was often the little things that were missing," she said on the podcast. "People felt like they weren't really seen or heard or understood."
To feel loved, you need to feel known. And if the other person doesn't really know you, it's hard to feel fully loved by them, Lyubomirsky explains.
She shares three mindsets that will help you create more openness and connection in your relationships, which in turn boosts those feelings of love.
#1: Radical curiosity
Lyubomirsky describes radical curiosity as a genuine, active interest in another person's inner life. Not curiosity about a topic or an idea, but social curiosity. It's wanting to know what makes someone tick, what they care about, and what their experience of the world actually is.
"Remember the last time someone was so curious about you—about your stories, your inner life," she said on the podcast. "They just couldn't wait for you to finish your story. It's so powerful. It's such a gift, and it's pretty rare."
That kind of curiosity is rare because most of us aren't actually listening the way we think we are. Lyubomirsky cited a study showing that people's minds wander at least 25% of the time when they're trying to listen. This is because most people are listening to respond, not listening to learn. Instead of absorbing what someone is saying, we're already rehearsing our next comment or question.
Lyubomirsky has a simple fix for this: think of listening like watching a film. Unless you're writing a review, you're not formulating a response. You're just taking it in. That shift from thinking of yourself as the next act, to simply being the audience, allows people to feel genuinely heard.
#2: The sharing mindset
Curiosity only works if it's met with openness. That's where the sharing mindset comes in.
Lyubomirsky says the to actually feel loved, you need to be known. And to be known, you have to share more of your full self, not just the polished, impressive version you lead with on a first date or in a new professional relationship.
"If you're only showing your positive qualities or trying to impress, you'll always wonder, 'Would they still love me if they really knew me?'" she explains.
It's normal to walk around with walls up—they exist to protect us—but they also keep people out. And the goal isn't to tear them down all at once. Oversharing too fast can create discomfort rather than connection. But letting someone in, even a little, is what shifts a conversation from surface-level to something real.
#3: An open heart
An open heart is about warmth, kindness, and genuine belief in the other person. Lyubomirsky says most people in stable relationships already have this toward the people they care about. It's the other two perspectives that tend to be missing.
But the open heart mindset has an inward dimension, too. Self-compassion is part of it.
"It's hard to feel loved when you don't have love for yourself," Lyubomirsky said. When self-love is absent, even genuine expressions of care from others can feel hollow or unbelievable. She uses the image of a cup with a hole in the bottom: love pours in, but it leaks out before it can fill you up.
That doesn't mean you have to fully love yourself before you can feel loved by others, but self-compassion creates the conditions for love to actually land.
How to have a deeper conversation tomorrow
To quickly feel more love and connection in your life is, Lyubomirsky suggests having a 15-minute conversation with someone tomorrow. And she doesn't mean small talk. She wants you to have a real conversation where you're integrating all three perspectives. Here's her advice for taking your conversations to the next level:
- Ask one more question than usual: Go a layer deeper than you normally would. Genuine questions signal that you actually care about the answer.
- Share something real: When someone asks how you are, resist the reflex to say "fine." Offer something true, even something small like "I honestly had a rough morning," begins breaking down those walls.
- Listen like you're watching a film: Put down the mental notepad, stop rehearsing your response, and just take in what the other person is saying the way you'd absorb a story you're genuinely invested in.
- Show warmth: If someone shares something uncomfortable or unexpected, don't shut down. Stay open. Everyone is more complex than they appear.
The takeaway
Try not to think of these as techniques to perform. Rather, think of them as perspectives to bring into every conversation. According to Lyubomirsky, this shift might be all it takes to start feeling more loved.