How To Support A Friend When They're Going Through A Breakup

While time may heal all wounds, the process of healing, especially where heartbreak is concerned, can be excruciating. In the event of a breakup, such pain is usually accompanied by anxiety, self-doubt, and a lot of emotional upheaval.

For those coming out of long-term relationships where lives are deeply intertwined—sharing a home, raising children—or when infidelity is involved, it is no longer just about grieving the loss of a partner. It's about rebuilding your identity, restoring self-trust, and creating a new routine.

Immediately following a breakup, there are often feelings of shock, numbness, and profound uncertainty. As such, licensed marriage and family therapist Alison McKleroy, MA, LMFT, emphasizes the importance of offering support by simply listening—without trying to fix the situation.

"Let them share their sadness, confusion, resentment, grief, or anger with you," she says, adding, "Listening without judgment goes a long way toward helping to relieve a friend's suffering."

After a breakup, out of a sense of outrage and protectiveness for our friend, we tend to badmouth the ex, thinking it would make our friend feel better. However, it's important to remember that the ex was once their choice and that the relationship was a significant chapter in their life.

Just because they are broken up doesn't mean the feelings of love and respect are gone. 

So, if you insult their ex, you make it hard for your friend to fully share their emotions or reminisce over the past, which is an unavoidable part of the grieving process. This could leave them feeling judged or unsafe confiding in you.

If the breakup involves the end of a marriage, a move, or children, your friend may need more than just your emotional support. They might need help with housing arrangements, childcare, and other day-to-day responsibilities. If they're working, you may need to call in sick on their behalf so they don't lose their job.

"A breakup drastically changes a person's day-to-day life," licensed marriage and family therapist Raul Haro, LMFT, explains. "Assisting them in getting back on track should be a priority."

When we are in the grips of heavy emotions, it can be tempting, even comforting, to bail on life, veg out on the sofa, and simply rant and rail at the world. Sadly, for adults, periods of such indulgence have to come with a time limit. 

One of the more difficult things to do as the emotional support system for someone recovering from a breakup is to keep them from self-destructing. While an impulsive haircut or tattoo may be harmless, numbing pain with alcohol, drugs, random hookups, or spending days without proper food and hydration can lead to serious, long-term consequences.

Encourage your friend to find healthy ways to cope with their pain. Invite them to join you for an exercise session or other endorphin-boosting outdoor activities. Cook or order food that they enjoy. If necessary, enlist help from people they love and are less likely to refuse.

The sudden absence of a partner can feel like going cold turkey off of drugs, according to sex and couples therapist Sara Sloan. It can be tempting to cyber-stalk your ex and continue getting that fix, so she says the best thing to do for the first three months following a breakup is to severely limit any exposure or contact with the ex.

Healing is deeply personal, and it unfolds differently for everyone. Some days, your friend may bounce out of bed, ready to embrace life again. Then, a sudden reminder of their ex may send them spiraling back into sadness. Hastening the process can cause old emotional baggage to affect the new bonds we forge.

Recognizing why the breakup was vital for one's growth often marks a turning point in the healing process. Reflecting on misaligned interests, incompatibilities, or past conflicts, while painful, can also be enlightening.

"This is particularly helpful when your friend recalls only the good moments in the relationship. Reminding them of all the reasons they broke up helps prevent the mind from revising history due to the pain of lost love," Sloan explains.

When you break up, you must let go of not just your ex, but also the future you were planning together, which can create a lot of fear and uncertainty.

Encourage your friend to take practical steps to restore their sense of stability, and also plan for something fun and nurturing. "Encourage them to think about their goals, new hobbies, or things they've always wanted to try," suggests Legere, who adds, "Helping them move their focus from what's lost to what could happen can bring hope and remind them that there's more ahead—even if it takes time to get there."

One of the ways a breakup eats away at a person is through their self-worth. After a relationship ends, we often wonder if we were somehow inadequate or if we should have done things differently. This can hurt our self-image and damage our ability to confidently move through the world. 

To stop them from going down this rabbit hole, encourage your friend to embark on a journey of self-discovery. Suggest activities that invite self-exploration and remind them of their strengths and unique qualities, like journaling, creating vision boards, learning something new, or traveling. A change in appearance and environment can also help. 

Rebound relationships get a bad rap, but a study1 published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that people involved in a new relationship soon after their breakup have better psychological and relational health. This was true even when the new relationship began before feelings from the breakup were fully resolved. 

A new relationship can be a healthy distraction and a positive incentive to move on from the ex. It can quickly dispel doubts about one’s desirability and restore self-confidence. Encourage your friend to start dating in a way that feels comfortable.

If the grief persists and your friend struggles to resume healthy living, it may be time to suggest professional help.

"Friends are crucial, but there are moments when trained people come in and offer means to overcome problems that can be very deleterious," Haro points out. "Therapy can be recommended if the appropriate time comes around; it would aid in the recovery from the emotional trauma and learning to accept oneself."

The adage, “You can't pour from an empty cup,” is particularly relevant in this situation. Caring for and nurturing someone through such a difficult period requires you to be in a healthy mental and emotional space, but watching a loved one struggle is bound to affect your energy.

McKleroy believes that emotional boundaries can help. "Observe, don't absorb. You can hold space for their feelings without taking them on like a sponge," she says, adding, "You can offer empathy and encouragement without losing yourself."

As you support a friend through a breakup, be mindful of the gravity of what they're facing. Do not make it about yourself or your opinions and beliefs. Let them decide what direction and pace their healing will take. 

Hold them accountable and keep them moving forward, but do it gently and with kindness and understanding. At every step, through your love and care, remind them of how much they are valued.