These Are The 10 Commandments Of Every Narcissist, According To A Therapist

Narcissists are all around us, but we've reached a critical point where words like "gaslighting," "narcissism," and "trauma" have flooded our daily vernacular. Mental health professionals no longer have to explain these from scratch, but that means narcissists know how to use the,m too.

They can now abuse more sophisticatedly, blurring the lines and flipping the script by saying things like, "Let’s unpack why you feel this way," or, "Maybe you’re the narcissist."

When triggered, your amygdala comes online, and your prefrontal cortex goes offline, so it's harder to recognize which part of the abuse cycle you’re in. Plus, you’ve already been trained to doubt yourself, and phases of the abuse cycle can overlap. 

You always meet them at the lowest point in their lives, but you don’t know this until slightly later after you’ve been captivated by their glitzy tales.

Big money, bigger players, biggest prestige. Hook, link, and sinker, you bite the bait. Then they reveal the truth. Things aren’t quite as good now—mostly due to bad luck. It sets up a stage in your head that they’re awesome, and you fall for potential. You’re also obliged to excuse bad behavior due to their sadness.

Doubt is always healthy, especially at the beginning of a relationship, so don’t feel guilty for wanting space to process and consult your own wisdom.

Your way of living, your value as a person, and your connection to your own gut, will be tested, mocked, and broken. Then, they will be remade. Beyond trampling on your boundaries by saying you are sensitive and they’re trying to help you be "healthier," important holidays may be forgotten and presents may be defective to signal you’re unimportant.

They may play the victim, saying your friends and family don’t like them, drawing the romantic "us against the world" card, but really they're isolating you. Strange things may happen to your devices—numbers and photos disappear, stories and facts change, but you’re always the one who remembered wrongly.

Whilst someone can make recommendations to help you, don’t automatically jump to gratitude that they’re doing you a favor— especially if you’re someone who doubts yourself or new to a certain place/culture.

By the time you trust them and invest feelings, they start telling you about their modus operandi. Not a full-on sinister reveal, but subtler doses so you are pre-warmed to their behavior, like an oven preheated and ready for a cake. For example, "Sometimes when I'm drunk, I do things like that," or, "My ex cheated on me, so I get paranoid at times."

They ignore you whilst being in the same house, they tag you in holiday posts whilst sidelining you in reality, or they disappear for days and months of fun, saying they had to "mask the pain."

Being excluded activates your anterior cingulate cortex, amygdala, and insular, and reduces oxytocin and dopamine. Your brain feels that as physical pain, and you feel disconnected and depleted. This keeps you on your toes, you crave their presence, and you work hard to perform well and not do anything wrong.

After leaving, narcissists continue to hoover, love bombing on special occasions because they know you're particularly vulnerable, or bring up old memories.

This is another way of training you that you're miserable without them. They use their private intimate knowledge about you against you, and may claim they're "helping you," but it's just to reinforce that you’re powerless.

She told him that he broke her heart when he didn’t reveal his phone password—so she slept with someone else, and was so guilty, he had to make it up to her.

You see, it’s always about you having to work harder, and make it up to them for their bad behavior. You're on the lookout for when your behaviors might trigger them, and you start to become hyper-vigilant, checking yourself in benign mundane situations.

Be very clear when something is your fault and when it isn't. Sure, it's an interaction in a relationship, but can someone really blame you for how they hurt you, and then make you clean up their mess?

“Even if you leave, we'll end up together again because we need each other. It's divine and we are karmic soulmates.” Here’s a picture a narcissist commonly paints to prime your brain towards no other alternative, not to mention they're sweet talkers who use language to confuse you further.

But really, talk is cheap and the narcissist is even cheaper. Words are the currency they’ll pay, and you’ll lap it up. From endless sorries, to future-faking about better behavior, to you getting drunk on the sweet ambrosia of their insipid excuses, they flip amongst the role of saviour, victim, and persecutor so your brain is literally on its tippy toes all the time.

All talk and no (consistent) action is a big no-no. Anyone can justify anything away with enough of a story. If a person isn’t accountable or invested in making the relationship healthier and safer, despite how their actions endanger your physical and mental health, they are not good for you.

The narcissist is the ultimate scammer, faking connection in order to hook you in and scamming you with weak lies to keep you by their side.

Many clients have told me that the narcissists’ hugs and kisses feel stilted and scripted, and so are their actions that demonstrate empathy. These clients also corroborate that their ex-partners spend a lot of time watching films, which I hypothesize is a means of learning and faking decent human behavior.

Other narcissists play up the role of being spiritual to confuse you, and acting as your savior and mentor. There are those who may even point out or punish other narcissists’ behaviors, to deflect attention and manipulate the picture to play up how good they themselves are in contrast.

If a behavior feels off, even if it ticks the checklist of normal behaviors, trust your gut and reserve judgment instead of judging yourself for feeling that way.

Angry eczema, a wobbly neck, IBS—so many symptoms that were medically untraceable, my clients were sometimes even scolded by their physicians.

But in a situation where you're unsafe, where you keep downplaying your experiences, your body attacks itself. Add that to STDs, unwanted pregnancies, being encouraged to live far from your support system or stop working, then being told that the narcissists’ friends do not like you and prefer their ex.

The rules of how you should behave keep changing, your memory is wrecked from non-stop gaslighting. You have no more energy, they tell you you're worthless, and you start to phantasize about hurting yourself or dying.

You deserve to feel psychologically and physically safe. Nothing that happened to your partner can justify them continually hurting you.

If you feel broken and confused, keep a record of what’s happening immediately after every incident, so no one can alter your memory. Lock down your devices so they cannot read them.

He fattened her up, stopped her from dressing up, took her far away from her friends and career, told her she was a wreck, and so lucky he’d take her still.

Be very wary when someone changes you, shames you, and tells you that you should be grateful they still accept you. Anyone who frames themselves as your only shot is likely controlling and manipulating you.

"Love is hard. If I fail at this relationship, people will say I failed again," he told me. On the night I tried to leave, he made a big show of drinking, telling me he would off himself.

Over and over again, the narcissist will tell you love is hard, you are meant to suffer, and you are in this together. They show you movies that prove that point; and conflate healthy couples who’ve been through thick and thin together with your unhealthy, hazardous relationship.

People go through ups and downs together, but that much suffering and pain is not normal. And I invite you to ask yourself, What if love isn’t hard?

Once upon a time, in psychologist BF Skinner’s lab, pigeons were trained to peck at a key in exchange for food. But the food didn’t come out all the time, so they kept pecking, in the hope that the next peck would produce food. This is intermittent reinforcement— exactly what the narcissist uses on you. The food stopped coming; the pigeons kept pecking, they eventually died.

People listen to the story, widen their eyes and tell me, “I do not want to be a pigeon."

But while you're learning about narcissistic patterns on TikTok, watching videos, and reading articles, know that they are reading and watching the same things. You cannot outrun or outwit them when you are with them. And the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. 

So I invite you to look at the bigger picture—your health, your sanity, your future. And the future of your children or next generation, the people you will inspire in your life.