18 Acts Of Self-Care To Do After A Breakup

After a breakup, one big question that commonly plagues the newly single is this: What did I do wrong?

The end of a relationship is a period rife with self-doubt and self-loathing as we try to identify our own culpability, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. "Often, people use breakups as evidence that they are unloveable." This is of course not true—breakups are a normal part of life—but in the midst of grief, many people tend to take the loss personally. That's why, according to Kahn, learning to love yourself again is an essential step in the healing process.

"Sometimes, in the thick of emotional challenges, a person can use all of their energy just to get out of bed each day, feed themselves, and get back into bed," says LGBTQ+ mental health expert Kryss Shane, LMSW. So right after a breakup, things like taking a shower, walking the dog, or brushing your teeth might feel as energy-sucking as a CrossFit workout. That's OK. No need to get down on yourself about it. Instead, celebrate those little wins. 

"Mental health care isn't just for getting you out of the pits of problematic situations. It's also for harnessing your power and channeling it into the direction best for you moving forward," explains Shane. Plus, a therapist is equipped to help you process your pain and grieve in a way your non-therapist friends are not, she says. If cost or location is a barrier, you might try a therapy app like Talk Space or BetterHelp.  

"Start small," says Shane. "Commit to flossing four times a week. Decide to eat one healthy meal a day. Move your body more." 

"It can be so, so beneficial to reach out and connect with friends when you're feeling the loss of a relationship," Kahn says. Being able to talk about the breakup and your current mental and emotional state with someone who cares about you can help you feel supported, he says. "Those bonds can be incredibly nourishing." 

"Making plans with your friends and family during heartbreak is a great way to keep from hermitting, which can stall progress," says Shane. Your move: Ask your pals to hang. She recommends sending a text like: "Hi! Do you have any plans Tuesday night? I'm going through a breakup and could really use your support and company right now." 

"An important part of breaking up is not judging yourself," says Kahn. "Whether that's judging yourself about productivity, how 'well' you perceive yourself to be dealing with your breakup, or how 'well' you practice self-care, judging yourself rather than having self-compassion isn't going to speed up the process," he says. 

Ah, yes, page processing. "Writing can be one of the most sacred and healing spaces in one's life. Having the space to free-write can give you insight into your breakup, your current feelings, and why your breakup is so painful," says Kahn. Do a breathing exercise (like box breathing), he suggests, then get scribbling. 

No, really. "Things like math, math games, and sudoku utilize the logic and motor skills parts of your brain," explains Liz Afton, LMSW, psychotherapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center. "If you're thinking about your ex, redirecting your focus to a different part of your brain can lessen the intensity and emotional pull related to the heartbreak." Plus, it lets you develop a new skillset!

Unfortunately, there may come a time when even your closest friend gets sick of playing the Heartbreak Commiseration Game. And that's when reading books featuring characters going through heartbreak can be helpful. Think Bluets by Maggie Nelson or Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed.

If solo sex fell to the wayside when you started having partnered sex with your ex, waving goodbye to your partner means waving goodbye to sexual pleasure. But it shouldn't! "Your ability to be sexually satisfied isn't tied to anybody else; you can seek out, and receive pleasure from, having sex with yourself," says Stubbs. If it's been a minute (or heck, years) since your last personal playdate and you're feeling shy, Stubbs has a piece of advice on getting started: "Just do it." That could mean massaging lotion into your legs, oil into your pubes, or simply brushing your hair, she says. "But making time to be with and explore your body, in any way, is important."

That's right! Despite what you might've heard, rebound sex isn't inherently bad. "It's bad if you're using it as a distraction or to get revenge," Stubbs says. But, "Making new memories and new sexual memories with someone else, while connecting with your own body, can be really fun and transformative after a breakup." 

When a breakup is fresh, seeing what your ex is up to can trigger a shitstorm of emotions. Save yourself from the agony of witnessing your ex's Life After You by blocking, muting, unfollowing, and/or unfriending them—and any of their friends or family—on social media. Shane assures us, "It's not petty. It's self-care." 

In fact, a 2012 study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking surveyed 464 participants and found that staying friends with an ex on Facebook was associated with a more difficult emotional recovery from a breakup and less personal growth, compared to those who unfriended. 

Yep, including that shirt of theirs you still sleep in.

But that doesn't mean throwing it all into a firepit and lighting it up. "The goal isn't to be vindictive. The goal is to remove any reminders of someone who no longer serves your happiest life," says Shane. So if it doesn't put your safety at risk, put their stuff in a pile and arrange an exchange or drop-off, she says. Otherwise, donate it to charity. 

This is tough to do when you're mourning a breakup and missing someone, but it's important not to put your ex on a pedestal. It's time to remind yourself of your ex's complete inability to put the dishes away, general self-absorption, closed-mindedness in bed, or whatever it might be. Why? Because thinking of past partner's negative qualities is more effective for getting rid of "love feelings" compared to thinking of their positive traits or other general distractions according to a small study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. 

There's no official timeline on how long it will take you to get over an ex. The good news is, according to science, eventually you will. In a study published in the Review of General Psychology1, researchers found that the more space you get from a breakup, the more you heal emotionally. They wrote in the conclusion, "We have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives...it suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time."