5 Questions That Will Totally Transform Your Sex Life

Start a fresh page in a journal and jot down your first thoughts, memories, and associations as you explore these questions:

Scan your memories for anything that was spoken, seen, or enacted during your childhood. Was sex something to be feared or avoided? For instance, many women receive warnings about sex leading to pregnancy. Was sex seen as a predatory act inflicted on you rather than something you might desire (e.g., "Boys will do anything to get in your pants," or "I hope you don't have to do what your father did to me.")?

Was the body a source of shame (i.e., "That skirt is far too short")? Or was it viewed as part of a loving exchange—for instance when you saw laughter, hand-holding, and glances between your parents? Were you embarrassed by sex? Did you feel uncomfortable talking about it? Or did you simply learn about it as a biological function, a matter of pipes and plumbing that led to procreation? Alternatively, it may have been impressed upon you as a powerful way to connect and experience love, connection, and closeness.

These messages enter the sinews of your skin and lodge inside of you. Fill in the blank on any of these statements if they reverberate within you:

Emily Nagoski writes about how everyone has accelerators and brakes during sex—things that inhibit or propel us. Accelerators can include smells, visual cues, or a specific type of touch. Brakes can include fear of getting caught, not feeling sexy or attractive, or worrying that we are going to get an STI. What are your accelerators and inhibitors?

I find that once we catalog all the different ways sex was avoided or negatively emphasized, there are very few left in the room who still believe sex was peripheral. Ironically, what is unspoken grows in size and weight: It sits like a hefty elephant in the middle of the room. Explore this question for yourself and see what you find.

And finally, pick ONE sexual message you received that you want to change. What myth would you like to debunk? By identifying what is there—by speaking it, seeing it, and even revealing it to others—you become ready to begin again.