How Porn Affects Relationships: The Research & The Myths

Porn is not necessarily bad for relationships. It can be bad for some people and for some couples, depending on how it's used and how each person feels about porn use. Watching ethically produced porn (and masturbating to it) can be a healthy, harm-free part of a person's sex life, whether they're single or in a relationship. In the context of a monogamous relationship, however, you're dealing with two people who may have different views about porn and different opinions about what's appropriate behavior in a relationship, and that can sometimes cause tension.

"Porn is neither good nor bad," Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, a licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, confirms to mbg. "However, if it's causing emotional distress for you or your relationship, interfering with your daily functioning, then it is a good idea to examine your relationship to porn and what function it serves for you."

Many studies3 have found that watching porn is linked to lower relationship satisfaction. "This might relate to one of the parties using porn to avoid connecting with their [significant other] or as an escape versus connecting with their partner," Brito says. "It is difficult to say if porn is the culprit for an unhappy relationship or if it has to do with lack of skills in relating to each other, managing conflict, and knowing how to emotionally regulate each other."

For example, a 2016 study4 on people in relationships found watching porn by yourself is associated with less relationship satisfaction, less intimacy, and less commitment. But couples where partners watch porn together actually had similar levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment as couples where neither partner watches porn.

Importantly, although many studies have linked porn use with relationship unhappiness, there's yet to be conclusive evidence that watching porn causes relationship unhappiness. In other words, it's possible that people who are unhappier in their relationships and their sex lives just tend to watch more porn.

One 2018 study5 checked in with couples every four years between 2006 and 2014 and found relationships where one person began watching porn between the first and second wave were nearly twice as likely to get divorced. That makes for some scary headlines, but note that the rate of divorce jumped from 6% among porn-free couples to just 11% among couples where one person started watching porn. And interestingly, porn didn't affect all couples equally—those who watched two to three times a month were most likely to separate, but people who watched once a day were actually less likely to get divorced than people who never watched porn. The study also didn't solve our chicken-or-egg problem: Does porn use contribute to an unhappy marriage, or does an unhappy marriage contribute to porn use?

Meanwhile, other studies have actually found watching porn might improve relationships. A 2017 study6 found people most commonly say porn has "no negative effects" on their relationship, and people more frequently reported positive effects than negative effects. Another 2017 study7 found a person looking at pornographic images had no effect on how attracted they were to their partner and how in love they felt.

A lot of research9 has also found a link between watching porn and less sexual satisfaction, but similarly we can't say for sure if porn makes your sex life worse or if people with a less satisfying sex life tend to gravitate toward porn. There's also an interesting gender effect here: In a 2012 study10 of heterosexual couples, men watching porn was linked to a lower-quality sex life for both him and his partner. But women watching porn was actually linked with a better sex life for her.

There are also studies that have found porn use to be linked with better sex for couples: A 2018 study11 found people were more likely to report positive effects on their sex lives than negative effects, including things like better sexual communication, more sexual experimentation, and more comfort with sex in general.

Some people believe porn "desensitizes" the brain to pleasure, such that it requires more and more intense stimuli to get sexually excited. A 2014 study12 found men who watch a lot of porn do tend to have less gray matter and reactivity in their striatum, a part of the brain related to our reward system. The researchers guessed this could either mean that watching porn shrinks this pleasure-related brain region—or it could just mean that having this brain configuration makes watching porn more enjoyable, which is why people who have brains like this watch porn more often.

A 2015 study actually found regular porn use was correlated with stronger sexual response in men and stronger desire for IRL sex with a partner. In a 2019 review13 of existing research on the subject, researchers found "little to no evidence that pornography use may induce delayed ejaculation and erectile dysfunction" and found the evidence of the connection between porn and sexual dissatisfaction to be "inconsistent." Some clinicians have found watching porn can be effective in overcoming erectile dysfunction, and many sex therapists and other sexuality professionals recommend porn as part of how to learn what turns you on.

All that said, some studies14 have shown that the more porn a man watches, the more likely he is to want to incorporate sex acts he sees in porn into his actual sex life with his partner. That's not always a good thing, according to Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., LPC, a licensed psychotherapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist: "It's important that porn viewers, in particular young male viewers, realize that most of the scenes in porn are exactly that—scenes. They are staged, set up, sometimes rehearsed, and at times repeated, in order to create the most visually stimulating and intense sexual charge."

Perhaps the easiest way porn can hurt your relationship is through secrecy. Keeping secrets of any kind from your partner can hurt the relationship, create a feeling of distance between you, and erode trust over time. Especially when it comes to porn, some people hide their use specifically because they believe their partner will be upset about it or because they know their partner isn't OK with it.

Some people view porn as a form of cheating or as competition to their sex life as a couple, and so discovering that your partner has been secretly watching porn behind your back can be particularly hurtful. A 2017 study of people in heterosexual relationships found the number of women who thought their partner didn't watch porn was dramatically higher than the number of men who actually reported not watching porn. An earlier study15 found that, for some women, this discovery can feel "traumatic."

There are no "shoulds" when it comes to your feelings. If you feel upset by your partner's porn use, then your feelings are valid and deserve to be addressed. That doesn't necessarily mean that your partner's porn use is bad or destructive to the relationship, but if it's a problem for you, then it's a problem for the relationship. It's worth having a conversation about what bothers you about their porn use, why they're using it, and how you as a couple can move forward in a way that feels good to both of you.

"Often, at the root is lack of communication or a dysfunctional way of communicating, which leads to isolation, relationship conflict, shame, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and then porn. In the therapy room, when there is relational distress, porn seems more like the symptom of something greater," Brito explains.

Nelson adds, "There may be room for porn in a healthy relationship. When both partners understand that porn isn't necessarily real life and that what they are watching doesn't have to be repeated exactly in bed. Good porn—what I define as videos that show all those involved having orgasms for real and consensually—can be used in a mutually satisfying erotic life for both partners."

Some people in relationships might watch porn because they're not satisfied with their current sex life or are unhappy in their relationship. Or it could be something completely unrelated to that. Many people watch porn simply to relax, release stress, and get some physical pleasure without having to bother their partner. "Engaging in solo play is healthy (and normal!) even when you're in a partnered relationship," sexologist and certified sex coach Gigi Engle writes at mbg. "Solo play is its own self-care activity, not a replacement for partnered experiences."

How can you tell the difference between healthy porn use and the kind of porn use that signals something's wrong with the relationship?

"Healthy porn use doesn't interfere in our work or relationship life," AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., tells mbg. "It's an exploration of our eroticism and our arousal, and it contributes to our exploration of pleasure. It's understood to be fantasy, not reality, so it doesn't define what we expect in our sex life with partners. It leaves us feeling fine about ourselves and our sexuality, not ashamed. It's a pleasant excursion, alone or with a partner."

If you're watching porn because you're feeling disconnected from your partner, that's worth a conversation with them. If your partner is watching porn and you're worried, just ask them about it—it might have nothing to do with you, or it might be a sign that it's a good time for you to reinvest in your sex life as a couple.

If you're upset that your partner is watching porn, talk to them about it. Suffering in silence will only make matters worse. Brito recommends approaching the conversation while still expressing care for your partner and their needs. "Create a safe space to have a caring conversation. Reframe the challenge in terms of unmet emotional needs, and without having the need to attack or shame," she says. "Express your concerns, wants, and needs."

There isn't enough empirical evidence to support the concept of "porn addiction" or "sex addiction," according to AASECT, the leading body governing sex therapists and other sexuality professionals. Be wary of providers who actively assert the existence of porn addiction.

"I don't think 'addiction' is helpful terminology for people who are concerned about their porn consumption," Zimmerman adds. "But people can feel their viewing is out of control and isn't feeling good to them, perhaps resulting in negative consequences in their life. ...and they can work toward other strategies to manage their stress or explore their sexuality. The problem isn't the porn, per se, but the way it's being used and the consequences it's having."