5 Key Factors To Consider When Choosing A Life Partner

As a therapist, some of the most common questions I receive have to do with how to choose a life partner: How do I know this person is right for me? How can I tell if they will make a good life partner? What is the most important thing I can ask them?

None of these questions has a simple answer. The way we feel when we fall in love doesn't necessarily mean that we are with the right person. This is why we call it "falling" in love. It doesn't mean that we are compatible — only that we are human and have body chemistry. Moreover, when we're under love's spell, most of us are willing to do anything, say anything, and be anything. Anyone who has watched The Bachelor can say the "right" things; it's how a person lives that holds the key to really knowing who they are.

It's better to use the logical part of our brain to determine whether the other person has the right "stuff" to make a suitable long-term partner than to feel our way to this decision. Of course, what we feel is essential, and someone may be a great fit with all the important qualities that we are looking for, but if our body doesn't react to them — no attraction, no chemistry, no "wow" — that's also important information on which to base our decision. We need both heart and head to decide.

It's important to know how connected a potential partner is to their family members and the quality of these relationships. Try to determine how much they are able to accept, forgive, and have family members' backs. Also look for how much they blame or make trouble for others.

I look for two red flags when I'm talking with a client about their family history. One is when they indicate that everything is or was terrible; the other is when they say that everything is or was perfect.

It is important to discover what kinds of friendships someone has had or currently have. The best sign is that they still keep a few of their oldest friends.

Determine whether they have meaning in their life that doesn't relate to you — interests, passions, a history of expanding themselves. Do they have big dreams or a history of making those dreams come true?

Imagine there are two parts to an "interview" with a potential partner, like with a job applicant. In part one, trust your heart, the chemistry, and your intuition.

If only things were so simple. This is clearly not enough. I bet 99% of people have felt that someone was "the one," only to be shocked and disappointed when, later in the relationship, you find out a whole lot of things that you totally missed.

In part two of the "interview," look at their abilities, their references, their experience, and all the other objective data that points to whether they are a good fit.