Your Emotional Needs Are Crucial — Here's How To Communicate Them To A Partner

Unmet emotional needs can trigger certain behaviors that at face value may seem like other issues. Here are a few signs that your emotional needs aren't being met in your relationship:

"When your needs remain unaddressed or unmet, it is natural for the hurt that ensues to transition into resentment, irritation, annoyance, or anger," says Balestrieri. "Anger is Mama Nature's way of ensuring we don't let people disrespect or take advantage of us."

You may find yourself asking if your needs are unreasonable while trying to minimize them and pretend they don't exist. "When you do ask for emotional support, it gets turned around, and you find yourself on the defensive," relationship therapist Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, tells mbg. "Either what you are asking for doesn't make sense, or there is something wrong with you for needing it."

"When someone's needs are not being adequately tended to, most people may put up a stink initially," says Balestrieri. "But if their emotional needs remain unmet, it is only natural they would begin to retreat their investment in that person." 

You may also find yourself fighting for time and attention, whether that be picking fights, making demands, or getting caught up in logistics. "If you are being critical and nitpicky, it may be because you don't feel emotionally fulfilled," says Ross.

"If someone feels unseen or unvaried over time, they may start seeking connections with others, whether platonic, professional, or romantic," says Balestrieri.

Just because your emotional needs are unmet right now doesn't mean they'll remain that way for the future, especially with the right type of communication. Follow these steps to move your relationship forward and clarify what you need:

First, check in with yourself and uncover what your emotional needs actually are. "My clinical practice is full of individuals complaining their partner doesn't meet their emotional needs, who are unable to identify or verbalize what their emotional needs are," relationship therapist Brian Jory, Ph.D., tells mbg. "How can your partner understand what you need and want if you don't understand yourself? Do an emotional needs inventory on yourself—be honest about what you need—and update it often."

You might be quick to blame your partner for not being there, but look inward first—have you been clearly communicating your needs? "It is easy to get stuck in a mindset of expectation, especially when you've been in a partnership for a while and expect your partner should know what you want and need, when you want and need it," says Balestrieri. "Reiterate to your partner that you have a need, and do not expect them to read your mind."

In many cases, a partner believes they are helping out, but they're actually missing the mark. "Help them out a little, and give them a bit of blueprint, if you know what would allow you to feel like your needs are sufficiently being met," says Balestrieri. "For example, you might say something along the lines of, 'When you tell me not to feel sad, I feel dismissed. I know you're trying to help, but I really need to sit with these feelings right now. Are you willing to sit with me while I cry?'"

Your needs may change over time, and rather than reacting strongly in a heated moment, create a time to check in with each other and how each of you is feeling. "Designate time to check in without any distractions, especially screens," says Ross. "Make it sacred, and agree not to engage with anything but each other."

Getting your emotional needs met is important to both your relationship and your personal well-being. Recognizing the specific types of support you desire—and being able to communicate them clearly—can help encourage an emotionally fulfilling relationship.