Should We Break Up? 9 Signs It's Time To End Your Relationship

How do you know when to end a relationship? As a therapist, I've supported countless clients over the years as their relationships unraveled, and some themes seem to emerge again and again. If you're wondering if you should break up with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, here are a few signs it may be time to end your relationship or seriously consider it. If one or more of the following is true for you, you might be better off breaking up.

In other words, you're convinced the relationship will be better "when." Some examples:

Base your desire to be in your relationship on your present experience, not on some future idea of what you want it to be. Don't let fantasy bonds keep you in a relationship that's going nowhere.

It's one thing for your partner to ask you to stop putting so much garlic in the salad dressing. It's another thing for them to ask you to lose 20 pounds or get a better job. You want to feel loved by your partner unconditionally. If they want you to change, it's likely a projection of their own insecurity. Tell them to connect with a counselor and let you keep being you.

When we feel pressured to maintain a certain emotional equilibrium around our partners, we breed secondary emotions—guilt, shame, and anxiety—for experiencing anything other than happiness and calm. Inevitably, life will throw more things than just happiness and calm your way, so it's important to feel safe feeling those less comfortable emotions in the presence of your partner.

Sure, "regular basis" is a time frame for you to define. Some people would say it's never OK to be made to feel such things in a relationship, but hey, we're all humans, and we all say hurtful or unsupportive things from time to time. If your partner messes up occasionally and responds with remorse, that might not be a reason to call it quits. However, if the above feelings are common ones, it's time to end the relationship.

Your better half doesn't have to love every member of your family and every one of your friends, but it is important that they're willing to embark on significant other duties without (much) protest. You, of course, do the same, right?

But if you've lost the ability to clearly see that your needs are warranted and deserving of airtime, that's a huge red flag. You deserve to be able to ask for things or express your emotions without being made to feel like you're "crazy." If you don't go, your self-esteem will. (Making you feel like you're being overly sensitive or "crazy" is a classic gaslighting tactic, by the way.)

However, for those of us who developed "attachment issues" somewhere along the way, we tend to seek out relationships that mirror those early attachment relationships. And so, we might be maintaining a less than optimal relationship with our partner because it's what we know and not because it's what's healthy. The right partner will be supporting you as you work through your attachment issues, not stoking them or making you feel guilty about them.

Depending on the circumstances, keeping things quiet initially can add to the excitement, but there comes a point when being their "little secret" is more degrading than anything else. You deserve to know your partner is proud of you and committed to the relationship.

Many people find their "better half" makes them "a better person." This shouldn't be a red flag—learning from and being inspired by our partners is one of the wonderful perks of being in a relationship. But many of us have that friend (or are that person) who acts completely different when they're around their partner. Maybe we seem more enthusiastic, easygoing, or pretentious. If you feel like you're playing a part, behaving and responding based on how you think you should rather than authentically, you might want to reassess what's going on. If you're not able to be authentically yourself around your partner, flaws and bad moods and all, it might not be the right relationship for you.

If one or more of these signs resonated with you, investigate your thoughts and feelings further. Connect with a therapist, confide in a friend, or journal about your experience. The answer should come to you, and when you're ready, you'll be able to decide once and for all if you should stay together, take a break, or do the deed and break up with your partner.