How Do You Overcome Codependency? A Therapist's Guide

In the short term, codependency can masquerade as "getting along" or keeping the peace, but subsuming yourself in another also builds resentment within you for sacrifices you make—however unconsciously—at your own expense. Often, it also creates resentment in the person you're working so hard to please, protect, nurture, and support. Even when relationships are hard, the healthy parts of us ultimately long for partners with integrity who know how to be themselves (while still being appropriately flexible), act in accordance with their own values, and set limits. Our partner's strengths offer a counterweight to our weaknesses, and our strengths to their weaknesses.

If you're chronically or habitually more focused on others than on yourself, you can become like a ship that's all sails with no anchor. You float around on the currents and breezes of others' needs, requests, desires, and schedules—adrift, at best; at worst, lost. When caring for and about others isn't counterbalanced with a strong sense of who you are—someone with your own needs and limitations—you can over-rely on other people's compasses for your own trajectories and sense of purpose.

Find ways to more fully acknowledge the value in these parts of yourself. There are many lovingkindness meditations and audios you can access on the internet or through different phone apps, which may help.

To keep yourself from veering to far on your end of the spectrum, notice patterns in your responses to people you're close to. Could you respond differently and feel better, in the long run? Let yourself practice small acts of "smart selfishness"—acts where you honor your needs, wants, and feelings for the long-term good of your relationship. Use your awareness to recognize when you've gone too far in putting others first, and then try something new. Don't judge or berate yourself.

Distinguish true needs from fear and avoidance. Do you need to avoid someone's disapproval at all costs, or do you need to make sure you don't burn yourself out over-giving? Do you need to avoid making a mistake, or do you need to give yourself some grace and allow yourself to be human in this moment? Make a regular practice of slowing down, soothing yourself, and checking in with what you really need.

Learn to be courageously direct in the ways you communicate with others, leaving as little room for interpretation as possible, when possible. If someone says, "Are you free tonight?" and you're not, say, "No, I'm not free tonight," rather than, "Well, I'm feeling a little tired." Clear communication begins with communicating clearly with yourself. Allow people to see more than just the "pleasing," peacekeeping, or diplomatic version of you.

When you start worrying about how others perceive you or what they think of something you said or did, remind yourself you have no control over what happens in other people's minds. Trust people to find their own way and resolve their own challenges. Your own goodness shines through, even when you disappoint people.

Self-judgment undermines our ability to love ourselves and others. Practice self-approval. Tell yourself:

You can approve of what's happening even when you wish things were different. Always find things to celebrate in yourself, especially when it's hard.

Recognize worst-case-scenario stories as they surface in your mind. Stories keep you in a painful loop of trying to control others when your time and energy could be better spent on connecting with your own feelings, needs, desires, and values. Letting go of stories honors life, opens you to possibilities, and respects others' right to be on their own distinct growth journey separate from yours.

These present-moment practices can help you experience more "flow" in the here and now with less anxiety about the future. This, in turn, can increase trust in your own present-moment experiences. This is where life can be most fully lived.