10 Things Nobody Tells You About Being Married

Here are 10 things nobody tells you about marriage, a mini-manual that can help you understand what’s normal (and even necessary!) for a marriage to thrive.

Contrary to Jerry Maguire and the implicit messages embedded in statements like "finding the One" or "your other half," a healthy marriage consists of two whole people who partner to create a third body of their marriage. In other words, one plus one doesn't make one or even two; it makes three. You are responsible for your own aliveness and wholeness, and your partner is responsible for his or hers.

We see our partners in many different lights — from elegantly dressed for a special event to retching over the toilet bowl. Even over the course of a day or an hour, attraction can fluctuate, and that's completely normal. Knowing this can alleviate much needless anxiety so that you don’t fall down the rabbit hole of “What’s wrong?”

His jokes will drive you crazy. Her laugh sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. That’s simply the way it is when you spend that much time with one human being. We allow for this when it comes to friendships and family, but with partners, we absorb a fantasy that we’re supposed to like everything about each other all the time.

And if you didn't have an infatuation stage, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed! Some people have it and others don't, and there is absolutely no correlation between having an infatuation stage and the success of a marriage.

The truth is that real love grows over time. Love begins as an empty garden that requires attention and care, and when it’s thoroughly watered and the weeds are pulled, the flowers will blossom over a lifetime.

In our culture that says that love is only a feeling, it's easy to feel confused when the loving feelings fade. Then we balk against advice that says, “Fake it til you make it.” But sometimes, you have to act as-if in a long-term relationship, meaning that even if you don’t feel like giving your partner a good morning kiss, you do it anyway.

It's sad and often detrimental that we're offered zero guidance about one of the most complicated aspects of being human: our sexuality. We learn from pop culture, peers, and now, increasingly, from pornography, that sex is something you use to gain approval, validation or security. Healthy sex is none of those things. Loving sex is an expression of love, an act of connection where you practice the arts and skill of giving and receiving.

As such, it will activate every element of unshed grief, unattended fear, unfinished transition and it will bring to light the fear and false beliefs you've absorbed from your first blueprint and the culture about love. Knowing that the going is supposed to get rough can give you fortitude when you want to walk out the door.

It’s not easy work, but just because it’s work doesn’t mean you’re with the wrong person. If you’re with a loving partner, the work is a sign that you’re pushing up against your dysfunctional or limited blueprint and it’s an invitation to create a new legacy of healthy partnership.

Knowing this can help you weather these challenging years, while remembering how important it is to find time to nurture both yourself and the marriage, no matter how small.