What I Learned From Ending A Marriage With Someone I Love

I was 28 years old and had my picture-perfect happy ending: a big beautiful house, a handsome college-sweetheart husband, and an amazing two year-old son.

Until one Sunday, after years of conversation, repeated attempts to better compliment each other, counseling and soul searching — my husband and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes.

For the first time, we acknowledged out loud what we both knew was true: We loved each other, respected each other, but weren't in love despite our desire to stay together for our son. We knew that, more than an "intact" family, he deserved to see love in practice, the one thing we couldn't will each other into.

Walking away from life as I knew it was never something I'd envisioned. I expected to feel regret and to build stronger boundaries, but instead I found my heart more open than it had ever been. And shockingly, my divorce, more than my marriage, taught me about love.

The term “conditional love” has a bad rap because it implies selfishness. But if we’re not taking care of ourselves, how can we take care of anyone else? You can only truly be a partner to someone when you're able and willing to hold yourself and your partner to a standard of met expectations.

You wouldn’t sign a contract that said, “I agree to do X,Y, and Z. But if I don’t want to, you still have to hold up your end of the bargain.” So we can’t rightfully expect that out of our relationships.

My ex-husband and I always loved each other. We took care of each other, made memories together, and brought a child into the world. But our careers stalled. Our healthy habits were challenging, if not impossible to maintain. Conversations would escalate into frustration too quickly. We just didn’t “get” one another. We couldn’t grow together as individuals or as a couple.

When a love story ends — whether it's a marriage or a fling — there isn’t always a villain and a hero. Sometimes, you look at someone over a cup of coffee and quietly realize that chapter has closed.

I married the guy I would’ve liked to have grabbed a beer with or gone for ice cream with. He was my friend. But I never fell head over heels and discounted that as being “impossible” in adult life. But head over heels is possible. The notion of “best-friends-turned-lovers” is so well-known, we can forget to make sure we actually are in love with our best friend, and not just the idea of being in love with them.

It wasn’t until the quiet moments of my first night alone in a big, empty house that I was faced with the truth I’d been trying to avoid: I’m in this alone. We all are. The childhood sweethearts are alone. The head-over-heel-ers are alone. Because no one, no matter how stable or perfect, owes us their presence in our life.

There is no timeline for moving on after one love story has ended. Sometimes the next love story begins immediately, and sometimes it takes decades. Healing after a divorce looks different for everyone. One thing is certain: Everyone has opinions about when, how, and with whom your “next chapter” should happen.

I remember after getting married, the most asked question was when I would have a baby. When I had a baby, the next question was when I would have another baby.

I don’t know how many times I cried before and during my separation, wondering if love would ever find me again, and then worrying about how, when it did, I’d have to start all over again with someone who didn’t know my favorite movie, or that I sleep on the right side of the bed, or what I look like without mascara.

I was so afraid that my ex-husband was the only person who might ever put up with (let alone love!) my eccentricities. But love is the great phoenix; whenever you need it, or seek it, it’s yours.

Love then turns into the problem, not the solution. Because the objective should not be finding any love, but rather, the objective should be to live fully and only allowing love in when it surpasses your expectations. I know now that my eccentricities are not just traits for someone to “put up with,” but are rather divine characteristics for the right someone.