How Lack Of Communication Can Sneakily Ruin Relationships & How To Fix It

The first question I ask couples when they come in to meet with me is, "What brings you in today?"

We are constantly communicating with each other, whether we believe we are or not. Literal words aside, we unconsciously communicate through nonverbals like facial expressions and body language, we communicate through the tone of our voice, and we communicate through our behavior.

Couples that don't learn to consciously communicate will face issues when it comes to intimacy, conflict, and relational growth. Understanding your partner's inner world and having them understand yours is pivotal to true connection. If you struggle to communicate in a way that evolves your relationship, then over time you will find that you grow apart.

In psychology, attachment theory holds that each person's "style" of doing relationships is shaped by the type of care they received from their earliest caregivers. If one or both people have an insecure attachment style in their relationship—that is, they tend to form insecure attachments with others instead of steady and secure ones—then communication will be driven by anxiety rather than authenticity.

Insecure attachment is when a person responds to their own needs for connection by either desperately avoiding them (avoidant attachment) or desperately pursuing them (anxious attachment). In either case, it is important to learn about what will make it feel safe enough to engage in communication in a real way rather than by these measures of self-protection.

If you have a partner with an avoidant style, they'll typically have a need for space. You can respond to this by asking to communicate in small chunks, giving them time to think, or offering some of the conversation via text or email.

A meta-emotion mismatch means the two people have different feelings about feelings. One partner believes that feelings are helpful to discuss and feel, while the other partner believes they are unhelpful. 

When couples have a meta-emotion mismatch, it can be really challenging to communicate. To get your partner to communicate with you, it's important to explore what you both think about emotions. How were they processed when you were a child? Did you believe it was helpful? 

Another reason you might be struggling to communicate is because something painful happened in your relationship that hasn't been fully resolved. Perhaps there was a betrayal or someone said something that's never properly been amended. To move forward and to begin communicating better, you'll need to process these hurts, rebuild trust, and be willing to forgive each other.

If your partner isn't communicating with you, it's helpful to identify the "why"—is it something left over from childhood? Are they feeling hurt by you? Do they just have a different idea of what it means to communicate?