Is it lust or love? Can this relationship survive beyond the sexual connection? Am I actually in love or just infatuated? These are questions therapists like us hear all the time, for good reason.

Lust is an intense sexual attraction to another person. At its best, lust can be the glue that draws us to a partner and allows for deep physical connection. At its worst, lust is fueled by idealization and projection of what we want to see rather than the reality of the person and situation. Additionally, it is a wild and dangerous misconception that ongoing lust is the expectation for a long-term relationship.

Love is a bit more complex. One of the most popular subjects in literature and the arts, love in all its delights and sufferings has often appeared a mystery, defined in an infinite number of ways throughout human history. From an attachment perspective, love is a basic human need that keeps us bonded to the people who matter most. A secure, loving attachment with a romantic partner involves a deep affection, trust, and acceptance of a person, flaws and all.

It is no surprise people have a difficult time discerning between love and lust given that the two phenomena activate similar neural pathways1 in the brain that are involved in view of the self, goal-directed behavior, happiness, reward, and addiction. Love and lust, however, are not identical and can appear in any combination, with or without the other, to varying degrees, and even fluctuate between the two states over time.

Our culture spins a narrative that romantic love starts with a strong physical attraction (lust), but the process of falling in love is usually more complicated and involves a negotiation of many factors including physical appearance, intelligence, similarity, and resources. Some people experience an instant sexual attraction while others feel a strong emotional bond that gradually develops into romantic attraction.

Reflecting on whether a relationship is love or lust only goes so far. To get to the heart of the matter, think about why you are asking the question. 

Stepping into any romantic or sexually charged experience with another person is a vulnerable act. When we step into this unknown place of romantic attraction, we can easily find ourselves in a sea of overwhelming feelings that can drive us to seek a sense of safety and control. Before we ask the question, "Is it love or lust?" it might be more helpful to ask which anxiety is making you ask this question in the first place. Are you wanting a committed relationship and worried it won't develop in that direction? Are you worried you're staying in a relationship because of a strong physical connection? Are you having a sexy fling that's suddenly making you think you might want more?

In love and lust, there are no norms, no shoulds, no right way. You can fall in love after a single passionate night and end up married with three kids. You can be friends with someone for years and with a single touch or change of perspective, find yourself head over heels. You can have a year of steamy casual sex with someone and never fall in love. You can love someone you're not sexually attracted to anymore. You can find yourself feeling dead inside after years with a partner and have passion reawakened by touching your partner in a new way of seeing how desirable they are in the eyes of another. All of the above and everything in between is possible. 

If you're asking if it's love or lust, you might really be asking how much you should invest in a relationship. Instead of trying to define the relationship and place it in a box as love or lust, check in with yourself about how the other person makes you feel. Do you trust them? Do you feel free to be yourself with them? How aligned are your values and dreams for the future? Maybe instead of asking, "Is it love or lust?" ask, "How am I experiencing myself with this person, and what does that tell me about what I'm wanting or needing?"

If you're struggling deciding whether you're experiencing lust or love, you're not alone. The two terms are normal stages of a relationship.