How To Tell Your Partner You're Pregnant — Planned Or Unplanned

Even if you and your partner were trying to get pregnant, the moment you see that positive test result is still going to be a huge moment. If you took the test solo while your partner wasn't there, don't feel like you have to tell them right away unless you want to.

When you do decide you're ready to share the news, psychoanalyst Babita Spinelli, L.P., suggests communicating the news in person if you can. "This is a huge life event, and connecting with your partner in person to see the look on their face, feel their emotions, and physically touch, elevates the experience," she explains.

According to Birkel, there can sometimes be an expectation for your partner to react to a pregnancy announcement in a particular way, but he cautions against expectations here.

If the pregnancy was unplanned, Birkel and Spinelli both say it's a good idea to process the realization that you're pregnant before you break the news. There's a lot to think about here. Are you committed to the person who got you pregnant? Do you want to have the baby, or are you considering abortion or adoption? If you do want to have the baby and become a parent, do you want the other person to be involved in your child's life? Will you stay together or opt for co-parenting? All things to consider.

An unplanned pregnancy announcement is going to be a lot different from a planned one, so Spinelli says it's extra important to be sensitive about how and where you communicate this news.

Depending on who the other person is in the equation, you may be anticipating a negative reaction. If that's the case, Spinelli says you'll want to take an appropriate amount of time to prepare emotionally for that possible reaction.

Last but certainly not least, Birkel and Spinelli both recommend being as clear as possible when you share the news. "Being transparent and direct is essential—it's a difficult conversation and important to communicate so you understand their feelings," Spinelli says, adding that it's entirely possible you two may want different things.

The first thing to consider when thinking about moving forward is, of course, whether you want to have the baby. Obviously, that's not a consideration if you planned this pregnancy, but in any other case, that's a conversation that will need to be had.

You'll want to consider whether you're ready for a baby and want to be a parent at this moment in your life. Birkel says it's ultimately up to you to decide whether you even want to include the other person in this decision, but if you do want to make the decision together, it's also important to factor in the status of your relationship. If you've only been together for a few months, for example, he says you shouldn't feel like you have to stay together just for the sake of the child.

From there, if you do decide you want to move forward with the pregnancy, Spinelli says it's more than normal to experience a myriad of emotions, so be gentle with yourself. "Emotions from joy to fear show up simultaneously," she notes.

Having a solid support system throughout the pregnancy will also go a long way in easing the physical and mental burdens of pregnancy and motherhood, so she advises turning to support where it feels safe to explore your feelings and options without judgment. "Reaching out to a therapist to navigate this space can really help the couple figure out their next steps," she adds.

Pregnancy can sometimes feel isolating, but Spinelli notes to remember that there is no "right" way. Maintain your boundaries from those who you feel don't support you, and surround yourself with those who do. And of course, be sure to lean into self-care, she says.