5 Ways To Cope As An Adult Whose Parents Are Getting Divorced

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and alienated by your parents' gray divorce:

Every year in the U.S., 300,000 married couples over the age of 50 file for divorce—and they have an average of two children. Research finds that about half of the adult children of gray divorce1 report negative feelings and experiences, and about half withdraw from their parents due to conflicted feelings. The good news is that within about five years, the majority reconcile with their parents. This is encouraging and a tribute to the power of the parent-child attachment bond.

Despite what well-meaning friends and family may say, your feelings of dismay and anger are typical of adult children of gray divorce. After their parents split later in life, many say things such as:

"My parents stayed together for the sake of the children. When the children were grown and settled, my parents divorced... My brother was 25; I was 27... Because Mom and Dad had decided to tough it out (29 years in all), we faced their breakup not as vulnerable kids but as self-sufficient adults. You'd think it would have been easier that way... You'd think I'd thank my parents for their decision. Here's what I learned, though: when the rug is pulled out from under you emotionally, it isn't necessarily an advantage to be standing on your own two feet. Nothing is quite so shocking... In fact, six years afterward, my parents' breakup still gnaws at me. No more holiday feasts... And the question of whether I'm thankful they held on long enough to undermine me as a man rather than wound me as a boy seems insoluble."

Stress to your family and friends that you are grieving the losses. Request that they refrain from judging you and understand that you need time to mourn, accept the divorce, and heal. Grieving takes time—often a lot of time.

Ask your parents to honor your parent-child relationship. Tell them you want them to understand that they are still your parents, and you are their child. Maintain a firm boundary in this parent-child relationship. Adult children often feel guilty and think they should be their parent's confidant, therapist, surrogate spouse, helpmate, secret keeper, or even dating buddy. And while it is tempting to adopt one of these roles, insist that your parents get these needs met elsewhere. It is best for everyone involved if your parents develop their own support system of friends and professionals.

If one parent continues to turn family celebrations into traumas by expressing their negative thoughts and feelings toward your other parent, explain that while you empathize they are still hurting, you will not join in tearing down your other parent. You can also ask a parent not to attend if they make these gatherings toxic.

Remember that divorce is difficult for everyone involved, no matter the circumstances. But, if you can be gentle with yourself while also making it clear to others how they can respect your needs and boundaries, you can better navigate a challenging situation that often leaves many feeling lost and unmoored.