How To Apologize To Someone You've Hurt & Actually Move Forward

Next, you need to decide how you’re going to make amends and what you’re going to say. The conditions for making amends can take many forms. This is how you’re going to make amends, such as writing a letter, making a phone call, sending an email, or setting up a face-to-face meeting. When making your decision, consider what is going to be easiest for the person receiving the amends. For example, don’t insist on a personal meeting if the person lives far away or if the last interaction with the person was very unpleasant.

Also, allow the other person some privacy when making amends—don’t post an apology to her Facebook page for all of her friends and family to see. Regarding the content of the amends, keep your statement simple, direct, and focused on what you did wrong. Use “I” statements: Start your sentences with your actions, feelings, and responsibilities—not the other person’s.

For example, “I want to apologize because I realize I hurt you when I yelled at you last night at the restaurant. I now feel really upset and guilty about what I did and I want to take responsibility for my actions. I want to make it up to you in some way.” Even if you're going to speak directly on the phone or meet face-to-face, write down what you are going to say and practice saying it. Keep it short, direct, and focused on your own actions—not what the other person did.

In addition, consider another good piece of advice from Alcoholics Anonymous: Do your best to make amends to someone you’ve harmed unless doing so would cause that person more harm. So again, think about the other person, not just yourself. For example, if you had an affair with someone who was married, and now you want to contact that person to make amends, but you suspect that person’s spouse might find out if you do make contact, then don’t do it! Again, be respectful of the other person’s feelings and needs.

So in cases where contacting another person might cause them more harm, or in the case of not being able to contact someone because he is either dead or living somewhere unknown, what can you do?

Creating intentions without expectations means that you make amends without expecting anything in return. Period. Just because you are apologizing and offering to relieve the person of suffering in some way, that doesn’t mean that the other person is going to listen to you, has to care, is going to accept your apology, or wants to repair the relationship. Making amends is not a guarantee that anything between you and the other person will change or improve. And yet, our suggestion is that you should still do it.