4 Questions You Must Ask Yourself If You Ever Want To Find Your Ideal Partner

Why do you stay in these doomed relationships, even when your instincts tell you they're not working? Maybe it's because, when it comes to intimate connections, people sometimes need more specific guidance than their instincts provide. If this sounds like you, I suggest you answer the following four questions, designed to help you better understand your past, present, and future dating life.

You may want to date seriously with an eye toward marriage; you may want to date casually and have an exciting sex life; you may want to feel safe and protected; you may want to feel loved but unconstrained; etc. To fully define and understand your objectives, I suggest you write down as many goals as you can think of. Then put your list away for 24 hours, returning to it the next day, rereading it, and circling three to five goals that stand out. Moving forward, you should date with these three to five very specific objectives in mind.

Create a list of serious issues that you will not put up with under any circumstances. For example, you might not want to date an active addict, or someone with a history of violence, or who is chronically unemployed, or already in a long-term relationship, or whatever. If someone you're dating (or thinking about dating) displays even one of these unacceptable traits, (s)he should automatically be crossed off your list of potential partners. This will keep you from wasting time on people who will not work out.

Create a list of things that have bugged you in previous relationships but that aren't automatic deal-breakers. For instance, habitual lateness, not seeming interested in meeting your friends and family, or expecting sex at the end of date no matter what. If someone displays one of these "yellow light" traits, it's probably not automatic cause for breaking things off, but you might want to say, "Hey, you know, this is the third time you've been late, and you've not even bothered to send a text letting me know you're running behind. This bothers me. I would feel a lot better about you and our relationship if…." Depending on the discussion that follows, and the behavior that follows that, you'll have an improved idea of whether this relationship has a chance.

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