The Best Sex Ever Comes Down To Just One Thing

My wife and I were out with a group of friends a few weeks ago and one of my wife’s friends asked me, as a relationship expert, "What's the 'secret sauce' that allows the two of you to keep having great sex after 21 years together?'"

Not wanting to hang this woman out to dry, and save myself from awkwardness (both our spouses were present, and obviously curious to see where the conversation would go), I tried to explain—but it's never about comparison.

Many couples I work with or know personally spend their time speculating about how their sex lives compare with those of other couples. In general, I don’t really find comparison useful or effective—every relationship has its own unique rhythm and style.

Being “raw and real” doesn’t mean you should be raunchy—although, if that does it for you, go for it. Couples that enjoy a good sexual connection openly share what they want. They are good at being specific and clear about what turns up the heat. Knowing the “ingredients” goes a long way to creating the right kind of sexual connection. It can be as simple as asking, “Can you draw me a picture of what it would look like for me to get you so hot you want to explode?” It’s okay to smile when you say this, just don’t be sarcastic!

Creating space in your relationship for conversation that might be a little (or very) uncomfortable can be a complete game changer. Couples that enjoy a strong sexual connection talk about what’s working well and breaking down. So, no guessing allowed. You could ask, “What parts of last night worked well and what areas could use improvement?”

Couples with good sex lives don’t play games or manipulate. If your partner doesn’t know where you are, they can’t change direction. Just because you go out for a nice dinner, don’t assume a hot sexual encounter will end the evening. If your goal is to engage in “x” behavior for “y” result you're taking the least efficient route that's the most likely to cause confusion and disappointment.

This is probably the single most important component of a great love life (assuming you're communicating well). If intimacy becomes repetitive, excitement fades. Trying new positions or adding a little salsa music can spice things up. Couples that maintain a healthy, connected sexual relationship are open to trying new things. You can keep things fresh by sharing fantasies with one another, for example. Once you bring your imagination into the bedroom, you'll discover an infinity of possibility. Sounds like fun? It should be.