How To Stop Falling Out Of Love: 4 Steps To Fall Back In Love

As anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows, it takes time and effort to keep a relationship vibrant, fulfilling, and genuine. While it's totally normal to fall into rough patches and question your confidence about your partner, you may also come across a realization that deep down, you don't feel the same way about your partner as you used to—you are falling out of love with your partner.

For starters, falling out of love—just like falling in love—is different for each person, according to Vermont-based licensed clinical psychologist Lindsay Jernigan, Ph.D. It may be fast and furious or slow and gentle; however, there are commonalities that come with the loss of love in a partner.

At this point, reviving your relationship with your partner may seem futile. But it's absolutely possible, according to Michelle Herzog, LMFT, a Chicago-based couples therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist. She believes that, yes, you can fall back in love with your partner—but it won't be easy. Not only will you need to reflect on your partner and partnership, but you'll also need to look within.

"This may also include deeper self-work, which includes understanding the parts that contributed to the 'fall out,'" she tells mbg. "When we take a deeper look, we may find that our needs weren't getting met or that we did not feel challenged, therefore not growing as an individual."

Take a moment to figure out your personal weak spots and the problematic dynamics that contributed to the downfall of your relationship. While it's easy to get caught up in what our partner did—or more likely, didn't—do, we need to shift our focus to the part of the equation that we can control: ourselves and what we contributed to the relationship.

Think about what you want from your partner and then ask yourself if you're even delivering it yourself. (Hello, the golden rule of treating others the way you'd like to be treated.) "If you're not, take the risk to give what you may not be receiving," Jernigan says. "Someone has to go first. If your relationship is going to get out of the rut, you have to put pride and fear aside and risk-taking the first leap toward change."

Next, ask yourself about how your partner can show up for you and whether or not you're creating such conditions, she says. For example, maybe you want more physical touch from your partner, but you just can't put down your phone in the evenings.

Of course, have your partner explore their own answers to these questions too—and remember to not get defensive or point fingers.

Remember when you two first started dating and couldn't get away from each other? In the infancy of your relationship, you purposefully created a space for your love—it's time to do that again, Jernigan says. Once the honeymoon stage is over, we end up taking our partners for granted, believing that they'll just always be there for us. But this neglect can cause serious damage to a relationship.

Plan dates ahead of time and mark them in your calendar. Set a bedtime so you're both making time for sex and pillow talk. Send each other loving and flirtatious texts during the day. Most importantly, turn your phones off in the evening and set (and actually follow!) boundaries with work.

Who wants to be involved in a relationship where both partners don't feel like their authentic, true selves? How can a relationship be real then?

"Sometimes we fall out of love because we have overly adapted ourselves to fit into what we think is expected of us in our relationship, and as a result, we feel like a shrunken version of ourselves," Jernigan explains. "Love can't flourish under these conditions!"

Tap back into your own passion and creativity. Rediscover who you are and share it with your partner—and let them do the same! "If we let our personal fires go out, our relationship loses heat," Jernigan says. The result? Resentment and emptiness.

Showing up authentically also means being honest and present with your partner. Maybe your partner, who tends to be more reserved, has expressed that they don't like how rambunctious your personality can be, so you hold yourself in, Jernigan says as an example. However, you end up feeling resentful and judged, maybe even claustrophobic. It's time to be open with your partner about your inner truth and real self.