8 Tips For A Good First Date

So by now you’re on your fourth coffee of the day and are considering telling your date you think you’re “coming down with something.” Ultimately, it’s your call, but give these strategies a try before you send that text.

Our breath is a fabulous tool for working through anxiety. Studies show that when we welcome nice, deep belly breaths (known as diaphragmatic breathing), we send a signal to the brain that everything's OK. Try putting one hand on your stomach and one hand on your chest. Inhale for three counts, hold for one, and exhale for four counts. Repeat until you notice yourself start to feel a bit calmer.

Humans like to be able to predict and control — uncertainty breeds anxiety. Of course, most things in life (like the outcome of a date) are out of our control, so it can be helpful to visualize different possibilities. You could get stood up. You could be totally unattracted to them. You could fall for them on the first date. Spend a few minutes thinking about all the ways the date could go and you'll feel more prepared for any outcome.

Also, consider how much of the anxiety is actually anxiety, and how much is anticipation and excitement. They affect us the same way, physiologically, yet we tend to attribute all of our feelings to anxiety and zero to excitement.

You wouldn’t expect yourself to be an expert chess player if you’d never played before. Yet, we expect ourselves to be expert daters without having dated much. Experiential learning is the best kind of learning — and it's really the only kind when it comes to dating. Remind yourself that you are new (or rusty!) at this. Give yourself permission to be imperfect and have a dating experience — not necessarily a “good” or “great” dating experience, just a dating experience! When you have realistic expectations for yourself, there’s less room for disappointment.

As tempting as it can be to just say you're “not feeling well,” this is generally not the most serving choice. Ditching a date just reinforces self-sabotaging behavior, and it gets in the way of you being able to overcome date anxiety. The best way to get over anxiety is to expose yourself to it.

Once you drink, you turn off the feelings of anxiety and feel relieved. Drinking is a form of avoidance, really. It’s true that our performance can be improved in many areas after one or two drinks; however, that curve plummets very quickly. So, if you’re heading out for drinks with your date and you’ve already had one or two, disaster may be around the corner. Plus showing up with whisky on your breath is not a great first impression.

I know I sound like your mom here, but it’s solid advice. Even if you successfully portray your desired persona for the evening, sooner or later you’re going to have to be yourself. Plus, trying to act a certain way is exhausting and inauthentic. It makes vulnerability, intimacy and connection challenging.

For more tips on how to land the partner you've been looking for (even in today's feeling-shaming culture), check out my new course, How To Find True Love In A World Of Tinder & Texting.