Understanding Men In Relationships: 7 Truths About How Guys Think

Sorry! There is no one way all men think in relationships. For every 10 guys out there who are scared of intimacy or prefer to take things slow, there are another 10 guys out there who are hopeless romantics just waiting for the chance to settle down with the right person and start a family.

Culturally, we do tend to raise boys and girls differently: Boys are rewarded for being tough and adventurous, while girls are rewarded for being good caretakers. Research shows parents use more words about emotions with their daughters (supporting better emotional intelligence) and more words about spatial objects with their sons (supporting better STEM skills). That stuff all sticks with us and affects the kinds of people men and women grow up to be.

"Different genders are socialized differently and, generally speaking, often have different societal expectations," explains Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, sex therapist and director at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center. "Of course, people push back on the ways in which their world is trying to socialize them and push back on those expectations. However, this difference could have impacts on how people think, interact, and navigate the world."

There's a pervasive cultural myth that men are mean or act distant when they like you or that men pull away when they are falling in love. But this is another one of those convenient excuses: We tell ourselves that when someone is pulling away, it's because they like us too much. It's easier to believe that than to just admit that they might not be as interested in you as you thought.

And so do some women. This isn't gender-specific.

Some people do experience fear when falling in love—because it's really scary to be that vulnerable! When you're falling in love, you have the possibility of getting hurt. Some people instinctively run away from serious relationships because they're too afraid of that possibility of heartbreak. Again, it's easier to choose to leave yourself than to suffer through a possible rejection.

This behavior is common among people with an avoidant attachment style. Your attachment style is your way of behaving in relationships, and it's shaped based on your earliest interactions with your first caregivers (more on that here). The three main adult attachment styles are secure attachment (you can easily love and be loved by others), anxious attachment style (you tend to need a lot of attention and validation to feel love), and avoidant attachment style (you tend to need a lot of space and can feel suffocated in relationships).

Some research suggests men are more likely to develop an avoidant attachment style, potentially because of the aforementioned differences in how boys and girls are treated in childhood.

It's not true that "men don't talk about their emotions," Kahn says. That's just another stereotype we have, and unfortunately it becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"As a therapist, I talk to men all the time about their emotions," he explains. "With that said, a lot of the men I've worked with communicate feeling pressure or being socialized to avoid talking about sadness, emotional pain, relationship or emotional hardship, vulnerability, and any emotions they have internalized as weak."

If you're with a man who struggles to talk about his emotions, be gentle and encouraging with him. Ask him questions that help him open up, and express gratitude when he does—even if his feelings are difficult for you to hear. Give him positive reinforcement when he does talk about his feelings so that he knows he's safe with you.

But here's the thing: Nobody knows what anybody wants—unless they get told directly. Like anyone else, men are not mind-readers. If you don't tell someone what you want, how can you expect them to know?

Understanding men is not about reading up everything there is to know about "male psychology"—because, at the end of the day, your man is different from other men. Even general trends in male behavior are just trends, and there will always be outliers. If you want to know what a man wants in a relationship, just ask him.