5 Signs Your Need For Approval Is Sabotaging Your Love Life

No matter who you are, dating can be a rough ordeal. We all try our best to be the most attractive version of ourselves, glossing over our faults and unpleasant memories, stressing whatever traits we think will win us brownie points with the person across the table. But what if the feeling of wanting to get your date's approval never goes away? Yes, most people put on a bit of a facade as they're getting to know someone, but real intimacy starts to blossom when both people in an early relationship start letting each other in. 

You've probably heard the cliché that we accept the love we think we deserve. The sentiment has a basis in social science, however. According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, individuals with low self-esteem (called LSEs) tend to react to conflict in romantic relationships by self-sabotaging or nose-diving the situation. They start fights, becoming increasingly cold and critical of their partner, almost daring them to walk away (because they assume this is inevitable).

Even if things in your dating life haven't gotten as dire as nose-diving a good thing, your need for approval can create a self-protective mask that's very difficult to remove. Remember that halting dance of white lies from the first few dates you went on? As your partner becomes more comfortable in a relationship with you, you'll start to watch as they relax and act like themselves. They'll stop fussing with their hair or outfit when you're around, and instead of taking you out to dinner, they might suggest a few nights sprawled on the couch with Netflix.

If you're even subconsciously afraid of rejection, and you find yourself needing constant approval from your partner, you may start to suppress your natural urges and desires in order to seem less "difficult." You'll swallow, for instance, the desire to go out more often, telling yourself that you're just being a chill partner, but in time, you'll start to resent both yourself and your partner for letting the relationship fall into place the way it has. And things will snowball. 

If you're approaching romantic relationships with a pervasive belief that you are not enough, you're going to attract particular sorts of people on dates. That's not to say that everyone interested in you will be manipulative, though that's definitely a risk. Your need for approval might come off in the early stages of dating as extreme emotional intensity, and potential partners who can't define healthy boundaries might find themselves wrapped up in your insistent energy. Before long, the two of you will have chased the high of romantic approval and attraction into a long-term relationship that neither of you have the skills to deepen and maintain.

If you are entering the dating world with this particular type of emotional baggage, you will discover that it's extremely difficult to move past the "honeymoon" stage in any relationship. You'll feel the highs and lows of any relationship you manage to enter, and then as time progresses, you and your partner will begin to feel a chasm separating you. After all, even if your partner doesn't struggle with self-esteem issues, in this scenario, you do. Which means, although it appears they're in a relationship with you, your partner is actually in a relationship with the constructed version of you that you've worked so hard to invent and maintain.

This is the toughest bit of love in this article, but it's still worth hearing. A 2018 study found that several behaviors define those in romantic relationships who have a need for external validation2: sulking, whining, and displaying/performing sadness in order to elicit emotional support. If you've got self-esteem issues, you're likely addicted to the affirmation your partner so liberally doled out early in your courting. And once your partner settles into what they think will be a happy relationship with you, they'll naturally dial down the effusive praise and glowing expressions of lust and affection. That's where the trouble starts.